Anxious thoughts

The meeting with my manager was cancelled, or rather postponed, until later this week. I’m not sure how I feel about that but part of me is definitely relieved. The other part of me wanted to get it over with.

I am so very anxious at the moment, about everything. I can’t work out if I’m anxious because of life events or is the anxiety just how I am now, meaning that I’m finding anything and everything to be anxious about?

There are plenty of reasons that I am feeling uneasy: –

1) The divorce

2) The mortgage

3) The fact that I had my identity stolen in June and I lost £3,000 – I am due to get it all back but the whole thing was horrible.

4) The strained relationship between my boyfriend and my daughter.

5) My boyfriend’s plans to find a new job, potentially leading to him moving away permanently.

He’s mentioned maybe moving away a few times, each time explaining his comments away as just a result of too much alcohol or because he was feeling a bit down. I don’t know how he feels about our relationship – he keeps his cards very close to his chest. He constantly gives out mixed messages – he tells me about his idea of moving away one minute, then the next minute he’s saying he wants to come over and see me because he’s missing me. He suggested going away together in 3 months’ time, but when I told him I loved him, he didn’t even react.

Arrrgghhh, maybe I shouldn’t have started dating so soon. I can’t unmeet him now though. I can’t undo the way he smiled at me and I melted the first time we met. I can’t undo all the daily phone calls between us, sometimes as many as 3 calls a day.

I just hope he doesn’t break my heart.

Getting back on the horse

I’m doing ok. I’ve got a meeting with one of my managers tomorrow to discuss returning to work.

I can’t imagine being back at work. Even the drive to work every day seems daunting.

I have to do it though. I have to pay my mortgage. If my ex would agree to sell the house I would have no mortgage. It all seems so unfair.

So, next week I’ll be back at work. Back on the horse.

Keeping busy

When I am off work with depression the hardest thing is keeping myself busy and motivating myself to do things. Everything is so much more difficult.

Today I’m on my own until 4pm. It’s my youngest daughter’s 16th birthday. She’s popping in to see me after school – it’s not ‘my week’ so she’s not with me until Friday. I’m going to make her a birthday cake this afternoon. I’ve just been to buy candles for the cake.

So today first thing I got myself out of bed at 7.30 – that’s the latest I let myself get up. I went to an exercise class at 9.30. I’m going swimming at 12, and like I say this afternoon will be taken up by making a cake.

My body feels like sitting down and doing nothing all day. I’m having to work hard to fight that feeling. But I know the implications of not fighting it. I know where that goes – rapidly downhill to the point where I can’t do anything. Where I can’t function. Where I feel terrified to be on my own because I don’t trust myself.

My man is coming this evening. I feel like he really cares about me. I feel loved. He understands where I am right now because though he’s never been as bad with depression as I have he has stared into the abyss- he’s just never fallen in like I have.

I am getting to the point where I feel nothing for my ex – I don’t feel hatred towards him anymore. I feel frustration though. The divorce is dragging out because of him. I feel like I’m in limbo. I feel as though I am still tied to him and even still married to him. It’s a horrible feeling. He’s still controlling my life and he’s stopping me from moving on.

I read somewhere that the best way to get over someone is to get under someone else. I’m not sure how true that is, but my new relationship is the distraction I need

to keep me going, to get through the limbo. It helps that my new man is going through a similar experience to me. He is divorced but the finances haven’t been sorted out still even though he’s been divorced for 9 years now.

I don’t know when I’ll be back at work. I wasn’t enjoying my job before the depression came back. I think my job contributed to my depression. I’m not sure I want to go back to work. But if I don’t go back where does that leave me? Forever trying to keep myself busy.

All alone

I’m having a bad time with my feelings of loneliness this week. I’ve had a busy weekend. I went for an 11.5 mile run yesterday with friends. Then in the evening I went out for a meal with new friends that I’ve met through the meetup app. Today I’ve been on a 9 mile walk with a walking group I’ve joined through meetup.

But even when I’m surrounded by lovely interesting people I still feel lonely. I have a constant ache in my chest and abdomen. I guess it’s a feeling of grief/loss. I so much want to feel happy on my own. One thing which has struck me is the feeling that I need to share my life with others – that’s what I really miss. There is no-one here to tell things to – someone to talk to about what I’ve done with my day. It’s almost like I feel that I don’t even exist if I can’t tell someone else what I’ve been doing. It is so weird – I don’t want to feel like this but I just can’t shake it off.

People keep telling me that time does heal and it will get easier.

I hope so.

It’s been a while

I haven’t written anything for weeks. The reason is that I’m much better but again I haven’t wanted to jinx it by actually saying it out loud.

I’m back at work and have been for 3 weeks. I know I’m getting my confidence back gradually, but I’m still full of self doubt. I know it’s ridiculous and there’s no good reason to doubt myself. The work I’ve done has been to my normal high standard, but I’m thinking about it all too much. I became overwhelmed by anxiety this afternoon but I held it together so no-one noticed.

I’m finding it weird to even get up and go to work. I haven’t done it for so long.

I’m feeling lonely. It doesn’t help that all the girls at work talk constantly about their partners/husbands and what they’ll be doing at the weekend. I know in my logical head that I would have had those same conversations 10 years ago, before it all went horribly wrong.

Ifeel like I have no-one to talk to – my rational self knows that is not true. A lot of people who care about me are only a phone call away.

I have to keep fighting the self doubt and low moods. I can’t let my ex win. If I fall to pieces again he will have won. I cannot let that happen.

I have to start living my life and enjoying it for myself. I have to stop feeling that my life is over. It isn’t over and the only one judging and doubting me is me.

One day I will come out the other side.

One day I will wake up and realise that I am enough.

On the mend

I last wrote a few weeks ago. I’ve been scared to write since then because I’m feeling much better but I didn’t want to jinx it!

I’m keeping myself very busy, making sure my calendar is full every day. I’m hoping to go back to work soon.

I can’t believe I’ve turned this thing around. When you hit rock bottom it’s hard to see the way out.

My soon to be ex-husband continues to be very difficult. He’s still refusing to sell the marital home. I’ve completed my part of the financial settlement, although I’ve still not got my CETV. I’m not letting it get to me anymore. It will all happen in time and thinking about it constantly won’t make it happen any quicker.

I’ve joined 2 dating apps – at the moment I’m just window shopping. I swipe left a lot.

Life is good. I can see a future again.