Loneliness

4 months ago today I walked out on my husband. I know it was the right thing to do, but it has not been easy.

Over the past few weeks I have been feeling increasingly lonely and I’m craving for an intimacy that I never even had.

I’m craving for someone to share my day with, someone to confide in. My husband never was that someone. It isn’t him that I miss, but the dream of what I wished he had been.

He never did listen to me. I remember once when we’d only been together for a short time he joked that I was just background noise; that should have been a warning.

Over the last few years of our pointless marriage he didn’t listen to me at all. Also there was no respect and there was no trust.

I’m writing this blog to remind me why I left. When you feel alone, and lonely, it is tempting to think that maybe you could go back. Maybe things would be better. Maybe it’s better the devil you know.

No way. No bastard way. I’ve already wasted almost half my life with the wrong man. He is one leopard that will never change his spots.

Maybe it’s time I started looking for other fish in the big wide sea.

Wedding day blues

I wasn’t going to watch the Royal Wedding because any reference to weddings or happy marriages is so painful for me right now.

But I am watching it. I burst out crying as Meghan Markle walked down the aisle. All I can think is good luck to them. Those tears were actually quite cathartic for me.

My wedding day was a happy day, but I got married on antidepressants so maybe that’s why.

I wonder how Harry’s dad feels today. His first marriage didn’t quite work out now did it.

I don’t think I will ever get married again.

Back to work

I went back to work today. It was an important milestone for me. I feel so much better. The last 2 weeks have been very hard – probably the hardest 2 weeks since I left my husband 4 months ago.

But I can see a positive future now. I am going to get through this. I AM getting through this. I have been doing a lot of meditation which has really helped.

I will survive, and thrive.

Freedom

It made me smile today when I noticed my ironing board in the garage. I bought it, brand new, 2 months ago, and it’s still in the plastic wrapping that it came in.

Before I met my husband I rarely ironed anything, and then within a few months of being together I had somehow been hoodwinked into a thankless routine of ironing a pile of clothes every 2-3 days. He soon realised I was pretty crap at ironing trousers so he continued to do those himself, but I became tricked into taking on the traditional female role of ironing his shirts, at least 6 of the damn things every week.

I have taken a photo of my lovely ironing board, still in its wrapper. It is a symbol of my freedom.

The calm after the storm

The last week has been so confusing with so many emotions running through me.

I have been off sick from work for 5 days, signed off with an acute stress reaction.

I’ve spent the last week running, walking, practising yoga and meditation, spending time with my friends and talking to a therapist.

Everything has settled down. Everything feels clearer in my mind.

My husband has still taken no responsibility for anything that went wrong in our marriage. It is going to be hard for me to have any sort of relationship with him going forward.

Despite everything I ran in a race today. Yesterday I could barely run at all. Today there was no stopping me.

Lost

This morning after parkrun I decided to go and run a bit more in the country park where parkrun takes place because the sun was shining and it was such a beautiful day.

I got a bit lost,

so twice I stopped people and asked them for directions.

When you feel lost there’s no harm in asking for help.