When I am off work with depression the hardest thing is keeping myself busy and motivating myself to do things. Everything is so much more difficult.
Today I’m on my own until 4pm. It’s my youngest daughter’s 16th birthday. She’s popping in to see me after school – it’s not ‘my week’ so she’s not with me until Friday. I’m going to make her a birthday cake this afternoon. I’ve just been to buy candles for the cake.
So today first thing I got myself out of bed at 7.30 – that’s the latest I let myself get up. I went to an exercise class at 9.30. I’m going swimming at 12, and like I say this afternoon will be taken up by making a cake.
My body feels like sitting down and doing nothing all day. I’m having to work hard to fight that feeling. But I know the implications of not fighting it. I know where that goes – rapidly downhill to the point where I can’t do anything. Where I can’t function. Where I feel terrified to be on my own because I don’t trust myself.
My man is coming this evening. I feel like he really cares about me. I feel loved. He understands where I am right now because though he’s never been as bad with depression as I have he has stared into the abyss- he’s just never fallen in like I have.
I am getting to the point where I feel nothing for my ex – I don’t feel hatred towards him anymore. I feel frustration though. The divorce is dragging out because of him. I feel like I’m in limbo. I feel as though I am still tied to him and even still married to him. It’s a horrible feeling. He’s still controlling my life and he’s stopping me from moving on.
I read somewhere that the best way to get over someone is to get under someone else. I’m not sure how true that is, but my new relationship is the distraction I need
to keep me going, to get through the limbo. It helps that my new man is going through a similar experience to me. He is divorced but the finances haven’t been sorted out still even though he’s been divorced for 9 years now.
I don’t know when I’ll be back at work. I wasn’t enjoying my job before the depression came back. I think my job contributed to my depression. I’m not sure I want to go back to work. But if I don’t go back where does that leave me? Forever trying to keep myself busy.