Exhausted

I’m still battling on with my depression. I’m on my own this week and it’s so hard to keep fighting it completely on my own. But fight it I will.

I managed to go to a Pilates class this afternoon so I’m pleased with myself for that.

I’m feeling particularly down because I had a welfare visit from work last Friday and found out that I’ll only get full pay until mid-November, then half pay for 4 months, then nothing from March. In the meantime my dear soon to be ex husband is refusing to sell the family home to release the equity which would allow me to pay off my mortgage. I’ve seen him twice over the weekend. Seeing him in person has reinforced the fact that I made the right decision when I left him, so from that point of view it was useful. It’s reinforced the fact that he is a total arsehole. I’m just hoping that I don’t lose my house and end up having to live back with him.

He promised me yesterday that he would never let me lose my house. In that case why won’t he sell the big house? He says he can’t face selling the house and that it will be too stressful. It’s bloody stressful being off work with depression and thinking you’re going to lose your house matey!

I don’t know when this nightmare will ever end.

I have to remember that it’s ok to feel sad. It’s ok to feel lonely. These are normal feelings. I have to show compassion to myself. I am in a very stressful situation and I am still functioning – I should be proud of myself for that.

I’ve got to keep going. One thing I will always be is a mum to my girls. He can’t take that away from me.

Still fighting

It’s nine days since I last wrote anything. In some ways I’m better. My mood has lifted a bit, but I still have massive anxiety symptoms and I feel very unsettled today.

The girls came back from the trip to Rome with my ex. I survived the week they were away and my youngest is staying with me this week.

I’ve been off work for the past 5 weeks. I can’t imagine doing my job at the moment – I’ve lost all my confidence and I can’t concentrate on much.

But on a positive note I joined a new choir on Monday and I went running with my running club last night despite my anxiety.

I’m apprehensive about next week as I will be completely by myself again. I’m just not sure how I’ll keep myself busy. When I’m by myself time just feels like a vast ocean with no end. I spend all day longing to go back to bed to sleep. There are things I could do to busy myself if I had the motivation and if I could fight my feelings of paranoia and agoraphobia which stop me stepping outside my front door.

I have to keep fighting this. I don’t want to be depressed. I hate it.

All messed up

I haven’t written in a while. My mood has been so low that I haven’t had the energy to write anything. And I’m so mixed up about the divorce, work, everything.

I was admitted for respite for 2 days to give my family a break the week before last. It didn’t really help me in any way.

I’m now back at home by myself. I don’t feel like a danger to myself anymore, so I’m allowed to be on my own.

I feel so lonely and isolated though. My youngest two daughters have gone on the Italy trip with their father – that’s why I’m feeling so bad. I feel so confused about my ex now. I know that he was a complete bastard to me, but in my current depressed state I want him to help me get better. How messed up is that?

It’s been a hard few days

Yesterday I was admitted for respite to give my family a break.

My mood is very low and I barely had the energy to move. I’m in a lovely place where I feel safe and cared for. It’s only very temporary – I’m only here for a few days. We have regular group therapy sessions which helps to pass the time and is a good distraction from the negative thought soup going on in my head.

I’m encouraged to be active whilst here. I even managed a run this morning which is an improvement on sitting on the sofa for most of the previous 2 days.

I’m finding it so hard to fight this depression. Even writing that has brought a wave of negativity to my brain – I feel it right in my lower abdomen – like a thousand butterflies. So unpleasant.

God, I hate depression.

The only way is up

Yesterday was a bad day. I reached my lowest point yet. I was on my own at home with no plans to see anyone. I’d finished painting the stairs with the correct colour and then became overcome by feelings of despair and fear of being on my own. I didn’t trust myself.

I phoned an emergency number given to me by the Psychiatrist. I’ve been given an appointment to see the Home Treatment team on Friday. I didn’t feel safe by myself at my house, so I’m back at my mum’s, sitting on the bed in my old room writing this.

I was so confused about everything last night. I didn’t know what to do with myself. I had an overwhelming desire to speak to my husband. We’ve had no contact for nearly 4 months. Despite everything that’s happened I miss him. I also need to discuss things with him about the children – especially our youngest – whole weeks without her and with no contact are making me ill. Also, right now I am more afraid of myself than I am of him. I don’t feel threatened by him anymore.

I phoned him and we spoke on the phone for 90 minutes. We didn’t argue at all. He’s seeing a therapist fortnightly. We talked about the divorce – so far we’re still going ahead with it. I don’t know what to think about it all, but I felt better for talking to him. I know all the advice says to have no contact to get over someone, but every relationship is different – there’s no one size fits all and deep down I don’t know if I want to get over him. I’m wondering if the pending decree nisi tomorrow is one reason I’m feeling so low – I never wanted the divorce straight away – I just wanted to separate and see how things went.

Everything has happened too quickly.

I am really mixed up. I’m also pre-menstrual. I may feel different about everything tomorrow.

Arrgghhh

My mood was getting better, then my youngest daughter went back to her dad’s for a week yesterday. Since then my mood has dipped yet again. I went for a run first thing with the dog, and managed 5.5 miles – the furthest I’ve run for months.

I decided to start some DIY when I got back to keep myself occupied so I didn’t ruminate too much. Everything was a disaster. After my shower this morning I noticed the silicon sealant needed replacing around the bath. So I went to the DIY shop and got all the stuff. Then when I removed the old sealant I noticed one of the tiles was loose, so what should have been a simple job has turned out to be far from simple.

So, I gave up with the bathroom and decided to paint the banister. I started painting and did quite a lot of painting until I finally decided the paint was totally the wrong shade of white. So, now I need to get more paint tomorrow which is nearer to the right colour, otherwise I’ll have to paint all of the woodwork in the house.

This afternoon I received an email from the pensions people – on a Sunday – to say that I hadn’t sent them a form PD1. I know I did send the form – more than 2 months ago. I’ve sent them two of the damn things, one in April and one in June.

After all of my DIY exploits going badly wrong, and the email about the CETV, I ended up sobbing my heart out – it was surprisingly cathartic.

I feel quite calm right now, calmer than I have felt all day.

A long day but a good one

I’ve realised that I can do more to pull myself out of this depression. With previous episodes one technique I have tried is sleep deprivation. I don’t mean going without sleep completely – even though this has been proven to lift bipolar depression (at least short term) – but rather to reduce the amount of time in bed and increase the time in daylight to correct my circadian rhythm. I found this article about it this morning.

So, this morning I woke up at 6.30 am and instead of lying dozing like I have done recently I got up and opened the curtains straight away. Then I got dressed and went straight out for a dog walk. It may be coincidence but my mood has been much better today than it has been for weeks. I’m tired now, as I’ve been awake for 15 hours, but I’m not so tired that I need my bed yet.

I have kept very busy today. I went to Sainsbury’s this morning, then to the DIY shop to get paint and brushes for a job I’m planning to do next week when my daughter’s at her dad’s. I also went to the GP surgery to request my next prescription for Lamotrigine.

When I got back home I discovered a letter from my solicitor about the financial settlement for the divorce with a very lengthy form to fill in. I still haven’t got my CETV (Certificate of Estimated Transfer Value) for my pension, but I spent 6 hours filling in the form, printing out 12 months of bank statements etc. When I’d finished with all of it I took it to the solicitor’s office personally rather than posting it. My solicitor advised me to cooperate with the financial statement – I don’t think I could have been any more cooperative really since I’ve sent all the information back within 7 hours of receiving the request.

It’s a relief – even printing all of the bank statements was a huge job on its own.

I had a sudden memory of something about my ex-husband this morning that I’d forgotten about. I remember dreading my younger daughters going to stay with their big sister over the past few years in the summer holidays as it meant I was alone with my husband each time for a few days. The horrible feeling of dread came over me as I recalled the memory. It helped remind me of why I have left.

The court date for the decree nisi is set for 15th August – I smiled when I read that bit in the solicitor’s letter. I feel as though the horrible limbo that I’ve been existing in for the past few months will finally end.

It’s been a good day today. I’m not out of the woods yet, but I’m on the right path to find the way out.