My marriage is officially over

Today, at long last, I received my decree absolute, 2 years after I left my ex-husband.

I feel like celebrating one minute then I feel sad, I feel lost, then relieved, I feel scared, I feel free – I’m all over the place. I’ve spent 2 years waiting for this day and now that it’s here it feels like a huge anticlimax.

I have to remind myself that today is the last day of my marriage but the first day of my new life.

The death of my marriage at last

I’ve just got back from court.

My marriage is over.

I feel free. I feel like I want to tell the world.

My solicitor just rang to warn me that it’s absolutely normal to feel euphoric right now, but that my mood might crash in the next few days. At least I know.

I do feel very tired. The horrible churning of anxiety has gone. I felt it going as the proceedings went on this morning.

I know there’s still shit to get through. We have to sell the house. He has to sell the business. I’ll get half of both. I’ll get a lump sum from him in the next few days. He’ll get some of my pension (unless he dies in the next 4 months).

I’ve got closure. At last.

Will I ever feel like me again?

There are so many reasons that I should be feeling happy right now, but instead I just feel significantly and incessantly anxious. I feel as though I am aware of every thought and feeling that I have and I’ve felt like this for months now. The only respite I have is when I’m distracted or asleep. When I’m by myself it is so much worse. I think that’s the main reason that I’m anxious about being by myself. Have I overdone the CBT and mindfulness?

I am still rehearsing in my head every single thing I do. It is exhausting.

I still have constant physical symptoms of anxiety – it alternates between a gnawing ache in my chest and a butterflies feeling in my lower abdomen.

I know the reason for it. It’s the ongoing stress from the divorce and the feeling that I am stuck and I just can’t move on.

The next milestone is family court on 14th January. In the meantime I have all the stress of Christmas.

Down in the doldrums

I’m not sure why I’m feeling down today. I think it might be my hormones. I keep getting a horrible low feeling that engulfs me and then the negative thoughts come. Then for a few moments I feel OK, then on and on it goes like rolling waves.

I have no real reason to feel down. Yes I’ve got the ongoing divorce stress but I feel like I’ve parked that for now.

The bank emailed me this afternoon to say that they have given me the money back that was fraudulently removed from my account. I don’t feel like celebrating – mainly because I don’t trust them not to take it back again.

I’m still seeing my new man and when I’m with him I feel great – I spent the last 4 days with him and now that he’s not here I feel overwhelmingly sad that he’s not with me . Is this why I feel low? Am I in withdrawal? Am I addicted to him? He’s still giving me mixed messages. He talks about things he’d like to do with me next year one minute, but then the next minute he makes me feel like our relationship is temporary. I’m so confused about him. Maybe I should have resisted his charm. Now I can’t imagine life without him.

I feel lost. I’m on my own in the house right now and everything is dark and quiet. I need to walk the dog but I can’t be bothered – I will force myself out for a walk with him though because I know it will make me feel better.

I just want to feel like myself again – confident, easy going, hopeful and happy. Where have I gone? I need to find myself again.

Reasons to be cheerful

Sometimes it can feel like the whole world is against you. It certainly feels like it for me at the moment.

As well as all of the divorce stress, in the past few months I have been a victim of identity theft and have lost almost £2,700. I am stuck in a situation where HSBC and PayPal both say it’s the other one’s responsibility to pay me the money back. I am probably going to have to involve the Financial Ombudsman. I could really do with the money at the moment with the huge bills I have to pay every month to my solicitor.

Also I crashed my car into my gate 2 weeks ago and wrecked the rear wheel arch. It’s in the garage being repaired. It is the 5th time I have damaged my car in my drive over the past 2 years. I joked with the owner of the garage that they should give me a loyalty card. Again, I could really do with money to pay for the repair.

With all the crap going on in my life I must keep reminding myself of the good things.

So, here are some of the good things in no particular order: –

My children and grandchildren

My boyfriend

My girlfriends

My dog

My house

My car (!)

My job

A run with friends

A run on my own

Swimming at the local pool

My garden and the little birds who visit it

Walks with my dog, walking through fields and woodland

The smell of freshly washed bed linen

Good food and wine

Bingeworthy box sets

A good book

Chocolate

A hot cup of coffee

When it’s raining look for rainbows.

Anxiety

Oh, where do I start?

I am so anxious. I have constant physical symptoms – I feel it either in my abdomen as a churning feeling, or as a heavy feeling in my chest. There is no respite – it shifts from belly to chest incessantly. I don’t want to feel like this. I hate it.

I’m on my own today. I was hoping to meet my friends for coffee this morning – we meet every Wednesday – but today everyone’s busy so I’m at home – just me and my anxiety.

I’ve spent the last 2 hours tidying and cleaning. I find if I keep busy, something that involves moving around, I don’t notice the anxiety – it’s still there in the background, but I’m distracted from it.

I’m going to go shopping soon. I don’t really need anything desperately, but there are a few things I can get. It will provide more distraction.

I’m meeting a friend this evening for a meal. I’m looking forward to seeing her. But between now and then I have 8 hours to fill. When I feel like this I clock watch all day. Why do I find it so hard to be by myself?

My boyfriend was going to come and see me later. He’d forgotten about a social event that he is meant to be at this evening. He told me about it last week which was why I arranged to meet my friend. I wish I could have seen him – I’m missing him even though it’s only 2 days since he was here.

I hope one day I can put all this anxiety behind me. It’s exhausting.

Anxious thoughts

The meeting with my manager was cancelled, or rather postponed, until later this week. I’m not sure how I feel about that but part of me is definitely relieved. The other part of me wanted to get it over with.

I am so very anxious at the moment, about everything. I can’t work out if I’m anxious because of life events or is the anxiety just how I am now, meaning that I’m finding anything and everything to be anxious about?

There are plenty of reasons that I am feeling uneasy: –

1) The divorce

2) The mortgage

3) The fact that I had my identity stolen in June and I lost £3,000 – I am due to get it all back but the whole thing was horrible.

4) The strained relationship between my boyfriend and my daughter.

5) My boyfriend’s plans to find a new job, potentially leading to him moving away permanently.

He’s mentioned maybe moving away a few times, each time explaining his comments away as just a result of too much alcohol or because he was feeling a bit down. I don’t know how he feels about our relationship – he keeps his cards very close to his chest. He constantly gives out mixed messages – he tells me about his idea of moving away one minute, then the next minute he’s saying he wants to come over and see me because he’s missing me. He suggested going away together in 3 months’ time, but when I told him I loved him, he didn’t even react.

Arrrgghhh, maybe I shouldn’t have started dating so soon. I can’t unmeet him now though. I can’t undo the way he smiled at me and I melted the first time we met. I can’t undo all the daily phone calls between us, sometimes as many as 3 calls a day.

I just hope he doesn’t break my heart.