Anxiety

Oh, where do I start?

I am so anxious. I have constant physical symptoms – I feel it either in my abdomen as a churning feeling, or as a heavy feeling in my chest. There is no respite – it shifts from belly to chest incessantly. I don’t want to feel like this. I hate it.

I’m on my own today. I was hoping to meet my friends for coffee this morning – we meet every Wednesday – but today everyone’s busy so I’m at home – just me and my anxiety.

I’ve spent the last 2 hours tidying and cleaning. I find if I keep busy, something that involves moving around, I don’t notice the anxiety – it’s still there in the background, but I’m distracted from it.

I’m going to go shopping soon. I don’t really need anything desperately, but there are a few things I can get. It will provide more distraction.

I’m meeting a friend this evening for a meal. I’m looking forward to seeing her. But between now and then I have 8 hours to fill. When I feel like this I clock watch all day. Why do I find it so hard to be by myself?

My boyfriend was going to come and see me later. He’d forgotten about a social event that he is meant to be at this evening. He told me about it last week which was why I arranged to meet my friend. I wish I could have seen him – I’m missing him even though it’s only 2 days since he was here.

I hope one day I can put all this anxiety behind me. It’s exhausting.

Anxious thoughts

The meeting with my manager was cancelled, or rather postponed, until later this week. I’m not sure how I feel about that but part of me is definitely relieved. The other part of me wanted to get it over with.

I am so very anxious at the moment, about everything. I can’t work out if I’m anxious because of life events or is the anxiety just how I am now, meaning that I’m finding anything and everything to be anxious about?

There are plenty of reasons that I am feeling uneasy: –

1) The divorce

2) The mortgage

3) The fact that I had my identity stolen in June and I lost £3,000 – I am due to get it all back but the whole thing was horrible.

4) The strained relationship between my boyfriend and my daughter.

5) My boyfriend’s plans to find a new job, potentially leading to him moving away permanently.

He’s mentioned maybe moving away a few times, each time explaining his comments away as just a result of too much alcohol or because he was feeling a bit down. I don’t know how he feels about our relationship – he keeps his cards very close to his chest. He constantly gives out mixed messages – he tells me about his idea of moving away one minute, then the next minute he’s saying he wants to come over and see me because he’s missing me. He suggested going away together in 3 months’ time, but when I told him I loved him, he didn’t even react.

Arrrgghhh, maybe I shouldn’t have started dating so soon. I can’t unmeet him now though. I can’t undo the way he smiled at me and I melted the first time we met. I can’t undo all the daily phone calls between us, sometimes as many as 3 calls a day.

I just hope he doesn’t break my heart.

Getting back on the horse

I’m doing ok. I’ve got a meeting with one of my managers tomorrow to discuss returning to work.

I can’t imagine being back at work. Even the drive to work every day seems daunting.

I have to do it though. I have to pay my mortgage. If my ex would agree to sell the house I would have no mortgage. It all seems so unfair.

So, next week I’ll be back at work. Back on the horse.

Keeping busy

When I am off work with depression the hardest thing is keeping myself busy and motivating myself to do things. Everything is so much more difficult.

Today I’m on my own until 4pm. It’s my youngest daughter’s 16th birthday. She’s popping in to see me after school – it’s not ‘my week’ so she’s not with me until Friday. I’m going to make her a birthday cake this afternoon. I’ve just been to buy candles for the cake.

So today first thing I got myself out of bed at 7.30 – that’s the latest I let myself get up. I went to an exercise class at 9.30. I’m going swimming at 12, and like I say this afternoon will be taken up by making a cake.

My body feels like sitting down and doing nothing all day. I’m having to work hard to fight that feeling. But I know the implications of not fighting it. I know where that goes – rapidly downhill to the point where I can’t do anything. Where I can’t function. Where I feel terrified to be on my own because I don’t trust myself.

My man is coming this evening. I feel like he really cares about me. I feel loved. He understands where I am right now because though he’s never been as bad with depression as I have he has stared into the abyss- he’s just never fallen in like I have.

I am getting to the point where I feel nothing for my ex – I don’t feel hatred towards him anymore. I feel frustration though. The divorce is dragging out because of him. I feel like I’m in limbo. I feel as though I am still tied to him and even still married to him. It’s a horrible feeling. He’s still controlling my life and he’s stopping me from moving on.

I read somewhere that the best way to get over someone is to get under someone else. I’m not sure how true that is, but my new relationship is the distraction I need

to keep me going, to get through the limbo. It helps that my new man is going through a similar experience to me. He is divorced but the finances haven’t been sorted out still even though he’s been divorced for 9 years now.

I don’t know when I’ll be back at work. I wasn’t enjoying my job before the depression came back. I think my job contributed to my depression. I’m not sure I want to go back to work. But if I don’t go back where does that leave me? Forever trying to keep myself busy.

Depressed yet again

So much has happened since I last wrote. I have met a new man and we have been seeing each other for 6 months. I was working, but depression has got hold of me again. Episode number 6. It feels different this time. Maybe it’s my meds. I don’t feel low, just like I’m on another planet. My anxiety gets very bad at times and then I can’t concentrate at all.The divorce is still ongoing. Nothing is resolved. My ex is dragging it out as I suspected he would. That is why I’m depressed. Everything else in my life is good.

Melancholia

Tonight I’m feeling melancholic.

I’m sat listening to the soundtrack from A Star is Born and feeling maudlin.

Things are generally going ok for me. I’m getting back into the routine of going to work. I’m adjusting better to being by myself every other week, but I’ve just dropped my youngest off at her dad’s and I’m feeling that gnawing ache of loneliness. He’s still refusing to sell the marital home. I’m fed up with the whole thing.

Everything is in for the financial settlement for the divorce. The CETV for my pension finally arrived. If we agree on everything it could all be over very soon. But I doubt he’ll agree with everything. Turns out he’s worth a lot more than me – more than twice as much. He’s not going to agree to giving me half of everything without a fight. He doesn’t think I’m entitled to any of his money. Never mind that I worked very little when the children were small and that I missed out on payments into my pension for 7 years. He’s oblivious to all of that. He just sees it all as his money. I raised his children but that counts for nothing.

Do I fight for what I’m entitled to or do I just let him keep his damn money if it makes him happy? As long as I get half the house I’ll be satisfied. Then he’ll have to move and my children won’t see his house as home just like they see my house as my house and not theirs.

I had a good day with my youngest anyway. He can’t take that away from me. I took her to get her ears pierced this morning then I took her out for afternoon tea – a real mum and daughter bonding day. I miss her so much when she’s not here.

My grandchildren are coming this evening. I should feel happy but I know they won’t be staying for long. Then I’ll be alone again – just me and the dog.

All alone

I’m having a bad time with my feelings of loneliness this week. I’ve had a busy weekend. I went for an 11.5 mile run yesterday with friends. Then in the evening I went out for a meal with new friends that I’ve met through the meetup app. Today I’ve been on a 9 mile walk with a walking group I’ve joined through meetup.

But even when I’m surrounded by lovely interesting people I still feel lonely. I have a constant ache in my chest and abdomen. I guess it’s a feeling of grief/loss. I so much want to feel happy on my own. One thing which has struck me is the feeling that I need to share my life with others – that’s what I really miss. There is no-one here to tell things to – someone to talk to about what I’ve done with my day. It’s almost like I feel that I don’t even exist if I can’t tell someone else what I’ve been doing. It is so weird – I don’t want to feel like this but I just can’t shake it off.

People keep telling me that time does heal and it will get easier.

I hope so.