I’ll know when I’m better because I’ll no longer be constantly thinking about how anxious I am, imagining myself in different scenarios, unable to carry out even the simplest task without rehearsing it over and over in my head.
I’m exhausted by the constant stream of chatter in my head – at least it feels constant, but I think actually there are moments when my mind is at peace – I’m just not aware of them. I can’t really tell how I am this week because I’m staying at my daughter’s house, 30 miles away from home. I’m cocooned in a little bubble of loveliness.
Yet my mind still chatters away telling me I’m still not fit to return to work, I’m not fit to drive – even though I haven’t got my car here with me to actually try. My mind wanders off into the future making up its own reality of what the future will bring – and obviously it’s all bleak and hopeless.
I am enjoying being at my daughter’s – she’s keeping me very busy. Last night we went to see some performance art, today we’ve been to a drawing class then yoga. Obviously my brain isn’t letting me just enjoy being busy with my daughter – obviously my brain is comparing what I’m doing this week with the void of nothingness that will be coming next week.
I have to keep reminding myself that I’m not actually a soothsayer and I can’t actually predict the future.