Back to normal

Day 16 of Covid today.

Feeling more like myself. Started back running 3 days ago. I was still feeling a bit ill at the time, aching muscles and fatigued, but the sun was shining on Friday morning and I couldn’t help myself.

I don’t think I’ve ever enjoyed a run quite so much.

I’d convinced myself a week ago that I’d never run again. I’ve read so many stories from people with long covid who used to run and cycle but 2 years later they still can’t.

Obviously I might still relapse (apparently).

So many people have warned me not to overdo it, take it slowly.

But right now I’m loving being out in the open air running through fields and woods with my dog.

Covid monotony

Day 3 in the Covid house

Woke up full of the joys of spring. It lasted about 10 minutes. Had breakfast with my man. He’s living with me at the moment working from home recovering from an injury.

He’s working downstairs. I’m back in bed with the dog. Government guidance says I shouldn’t cuddle my dog. I don’t think I’ve given him Covid though and I’m going to keep cuddling my dog.

Brain fog is my main thing this morning. I keep finding myself just staring into space. Also I have an intermittent strong desire to lie down.

I think I maybe need more sleep. I’m so restless again today though. This isn’t me. I don’t lie around doing nothing.

What to do today?

Nothing again I guess.

Covid has got me

Managed to dodge Covid for 2 years despite definite big exposure way back at the start of the pandemic.

Triple vaxxed, booster was 6 months ago.

But I guess this is omicron.

Positive home test yesterday. Thought I had a cold so was surprised to get 2 lines. But with hindsight I’ve had it a few days.

On Friday at work I had to take my bra off because my ribcage was so uncomfortable. I had had a negative Lamp test at work the day before. But now I know that symptom was definitely the rona.

So today I’m day 2 of positiveness. Woke up feeling like crap. Aching all over. Coughing, snotty, palpitations. Chest still in a vice. Everything an effort. Can’t decide if I’m hungry or not. Feel very tired but also restless. My normal Sunday would include a 5 mile run.

At least it’s an absolutely beautiful day so I can sit in the garden and listen to the birds.

Managed to cut the lawn but then had to have a lie down and now can’t move.

Bored out of my mind.

Partner away for the weekend but coming back later. At least he doesn’t mind sharing my air even though I have the plague.

Everyone else has gone mad

It’s very strange to be an anxiety sufferer at the moment because basically EVERYONE is anxious so it’s the new normal.

I would never have thought that a pandemic would cure my anxiety but it appears to be doing so.

I think it is partly because as I have said above everyone else is anxious too. Also, the Covid-19 pandemic puts absolutely everything else going on in my life into perspective.

None of that divorce shit, or work-related stress matters anymore. The fact that I might die because of my job (I’m a doctor) makes me feel strangely calm. It might make no sense to anyone else but me, but basically for the past 2 years I have had continuous worries that one day I’ll become suicidal. It’s a frequent rumination of mine.

But now, because I am at risk of succumbing to Covid it’s taken those thoughts away.

My marriage is officially over

Today, at long last, I received my decree absolute, 2 years after I left my ex-husband.

I feel like celebrating one minute then I feel sad, I feel lost, then relieved, I feel scared, I feel free – I’m all over the place. I’ve spent 2 years waiting for this day and now that it’s here it feels like a huge anticlimax.

I have to remind myself that today is the last day of my marriage but the first day of my new life.

The death of my marriage at last

I’ve just got back from court.

My marriage is over.

I feel free. I feel like I want to tell the world.

My solicitor just rang to warn me that it’s absolutely normal to feel euphoric right now, but that my mood might crash in the next few days. At least I know.

I do feel very tired. The horrible churning of anxiety has gone. I felt it going as the proceedings went on this morning.

I know there’s still shit to get through. We have to sell the house. He has to sell the business. I’ll get half of both. I’ll get a lump sum from him in the next few days. He’ll get some of my pension (unless he dies in the next 4 months).

I’ve got closure. At last.

Will I ever feel like me again?

There are so many reasons that I should be feeling happy right now, but instead I just feel significantly and incessantly anxious. I feel as though I am aware of every thought and feeling that I have and I’ve felt like this for months now. The only respite I have is when I’m distracted or asleep. When I’m by myself it is so much worse. I think that’s the main reason that I’m anxious about being by myself. Have I overdone the CBT and mindfulness?

I am still rehearsing in my head every single thing I do. It is exhausting.

I still have constant physical symptoms of anxiety – it alternates between a gnawing ache in my chest and a butterflies feeling in my lower abdomen.

I know the reason for it. It’s the ongoing stress from the divorce and the feeling that I am stuck and I just can’t move on.

The next milestone is family court on 14th January. In the meantime I have all the stress of Christmas.

Down in the doldrums

I’m not sure why I’m feeling down today. I think it might be my hormones. I keep getting a horrible low feeling that engulfs me and then the negative thoughts come. Then for a few moments I feel OK, then on and on it goes like rolling waves.

I have no real reason to feel down. Yes I’ve got the ongoing divorce stress but I feel like I’ve parked that for now.

The bank emailed me this afternoon to say that they have given me the money back that was fraudulently removed from my account. I don’t feel like celebrating – mainly because I don’t trust them not to take it back again.

I’m still seeing my new man and when I’m with him I feel great – I spent the last 4 days with him and now that he’s not here I feel overwhelmingly sad that he’s not with me . Is this why I feel low? Am I in withdrawal? Am I addicted to him? He’s still giving me mixed messages. He talks about things he’d like to do with me next year one minute, but then the next minute he makes me feel like our relationship is temporary. I’m so confused about him. Maybe I should have resisted his charm. Now I can’t imagine life without him.

I feel lost. I’m on my own in the house right now and everything is dark and quiet. I need to walk the dog but I can’t be bothered – I will force myself out for a walk with him though because I know it will make me feel better.

I just want to feel like myself again – confident, easy going, hopeful and happy. Where have I gone? I need to find myself again.

Reasons to be cheerful

Sometimes it can feel like the whole world is against you. It certainly feels like it for me at the moment.

As well as all of the divorce stress, in the past few months I have been a victim of identity theft and have lost almost £2,700. I am stuck in a situation where HSBC and PayPal both say it’s the other one’s responsibility to pay me the money back. I am probably going to have to involve the Financial Ombudsman. I could really do with the money at the moment with the huge bills I have to pay every month to my solicitor.

Also I crashed my car into my gate 2 weeks ago and wrecked the rear wheel arch. It’s in the garage being repaired. It is the 5th time I have damaged my car in my drive over the past 2 years. I joked with the owner of the garage that they should give me a loyalty card. Again, I could really do with money to pay for the repair.

With all the crap going on in my life I must keep reminding myself of the good things.

So, here are some of the good things in no particular order: –

My children and grandchildren

My boyfriend

My girlfriends

My dog

My house

My car (!)

My job

A run with friends

A run on my own

Swimming at the local pool

My garden and the little birds who visit it

Walks with my dog, walking through fields and woodland

The smell of freshly washed bed linen

Good food and wine

Bingeworthy box sets

A good book

Chocolate

A hot cup of coffee

When it’s raining look for rainbows.

Anxiety

Oh, where do I start?

I am so anxious. I have constant physical symptoms – I feel it either in my abdomen as a churning feeling, or as a heavy feeling in my chest. There is no respite – it shifts from belly to chest incessantly. I don’t want to feel like this. I hate it.

I’m on my own today. I was hoping to meet my friends for coffee this morning – we meet every Wednesday – but today everyone’s busy so I’m at home – just me and my anxiety.

I’ve spent the last 2 hours tidying and cleaning. I find if I keep busy, something that involves moving around, I don’t notice the anxiety – it’s still there in the background, but I’m distracted from it.

I’m going to go shopping soon. I don’t really need anything desperately, but there are a few things I can get. It will provide more distraction.

I’m meeting a friend this evening for a meal. I’m looking forward to seeing her. But between now and then I have 8 hours to fill. When I feel like this I clock watch all day. Why do I find it so hard to be by myself?

My boyfriend was going to come and see me later. He’d forgotten about a social event that he is meant to be at this evening. He told me about it last week which was why I arranged to meet my friend. I wish I could have seen him – I’m missing him even though it’s only 2 days since he was here.

I hope one day I can put all this anxiety behind me. It’s exhausting.