Down in the doldrums

I’m not sure why I’m feeling down today. I think it might be my hormones. I keep getting a horrible low feeling that engulfs me and then the negative thoughts come. Then for a few moments I feel OK, then on and on it goes like rolling waves.

I have no real reason to feel down. Yes I’ve got the ongoing divorce stress but I feel like I’ve parked that for now.

The bank emailed me this afternoon to say that they have given me the money back that was fraudulently removed from my account. I don’t feel like celebrating – mainly because I don’t trust them not to take it back again.

I’m still seeing my new man and when I’m with him I feel great – I spent the last 4 days with him and now that he’s not here I feel overwhelmingly sad that he’s not with me . Is this why I feel low? Am I in withdrawal? Am I addicted to him? He’s still giving me mixed messages. He talks about things he’d like to do with me next year one minute, but then the next minute he makes me feel like our relationship is temporary. I’m so confused about him. Maybe I should have resisted his charm. Now I can’t imagine life without him.

I feel lost. I’m on my own in the house right now and everything is dark and quiet. I need to walk the dog but I can’t be bothered – I will force myself out for a walk with him though because I know it will make me feel better.

I just want to feel like myself again – confident, easy going, hopeful and happy. Where have I gone? I need to find myself again.

Reasons to be cheerful

Sometimes it can feel like the whole world is against you. It certainly feels like it for me at the moment.

As well as all of the divorce stress, in the past few months I have been a victim of identity theft and have lost almost £2,700. I am stuck in a situation where HSBC and PayPal both say it’s the other one’s responsibility to pay me the money back. I am probably going to have to involve the Financial Ombudsman. I could really do with the money at the moment with the huge bills I have to pay every month to my solicitor.

Also I crashed my car into my gate 2 weeks ago and wrecked the rear wheel arch. It’s in the garage being repaired. It is the 5th time I have damaged my car in my drive over the past 2 years. I joked with the owner of the garage that they should give me a loyalty card. Again, I could really do with money to pay for the repair.

With all the crap going on in my life I must keep reminding myself of the good things.

So, here are some of the good things in no particular order: –

My children and grandchildren

My boyfriend

My girlfriends

My dog

My house

My car (!)

My job

A run with friends

A run on my own

Swimming at the local pool

My garden and the little birds who visit it

Walks with my dog, walking through fields and woodland

The smell of freshly washed bed linen

Good food and wine

Bingeworthy box sets

A good book

Chocolate

A hot cup of coffee

When it’s raining look for rainbows.

Anxious thoughts

The meeting with my manager was cancelled, or rather postponed, until later this week. I’m not sure how I feel about that but part of me is definitely relieved. The other part of me wanted to get it over with.

I am so very anxious at the moment, about everything. I can’t work out if I’m anxious because of life events or is the anxiety just how I am now, meaning that I’m finding anything and everything to be anxious about?

There are plenty of reasons that I am feeling uneasy: –

1) The divorce

2) The mortgage

3) The fact that I had my identity stolen in June and I lost £3,000 – I am due to get it all back but the whole thing was horrible.

4) The strained relationship between my boyfriend and my daughter.

5) My boyfriend’s plans to find a new job, potentially leading to him moving away permanently.

He’s mentioned maybe moving away a few times, each time explaining his comments away as just a result of too much alcohol or because he was feeling a bit down. I don’t know how he feels about our relationship – he keeps his cards very close to his chest. He constantly gives out mixed messages – he tells me about his idea of moving away one minute, then the next minute he’s saying he wants to come over and see me because he’s missing me. He suggested going away together in 3 months’ time, but when I told him I loved him, he didn’t even react.

Arrrgghhh, maybe I shouldn’t have started dating so soon. I can’t unmeet him now though. I can’t undo the way he smiled at me and I melted the first time we met. I can’t undo all the daily phone calls between us, sometimes as many as 3 calls a day.

I just hope he doesn’t break my heart.

Keeping busy

When I am off work with depression the hardest thing is keeping myself busy and motivating myself to do things. Everything is so much more difficult.

Today I’m on my own until 4pm. It’s my youngest daughter’s 16th birthday. She’s popping in to see me after school – it’s not ‘my week’ so she’s not with me until Friday. I’m going to make her a birthday cake this afternoon. I’ve just been to buy candles for the cake.

So today first thing I got myself out of bed at 7.30 – that’s the latest I let myself get up. I went to an exercise class at 9.30. I’m going swimming at 12, and like I say this afternoon will be taken up by making a cake.

My body feels like sitting down and doing nothing all day. I’m having to work hard to fight that feeling. But I know the implications of not fighting it. I know where that goes – rapidly downhill to the point where I can’t do anything. Where I can’t function. Where I feel terrified to be on my own because I don’t trust myself.

My man is coming this evening. I feel like he really cares about me. I feel loved. He understands where I am right now because though he’s never been as bad with depression as I have he has stared into the abyss- he’s just never fallen in like I have.

I am getting to the point where I feel nothing for my ex – I don’t feel hatred towards him anymore. I feel frustration though. The divorce is dragging out because of him. I feel like I’m in limbo. I feel as though I am still tied to him and even still married to him. It’s a horrible feeling. He’s still controlling my life and he’s stopping me from moving on.

I read somewhere that the best way to get over someone is to get under someone else. I’m not sure how true that is, but my new relationship is the distraction I need

to keep me going, to get through the limbo. It helps that my new man is going through a similar experience to me. He is divorced but the finances haven’t been sorted out still even though he’s been divorced for 9 years now.

I don’t know when I’ll be back at work. I wasn’t enjoying my job before the depression came back. I think my job contributed to my depression. I’m not sure I want to go back to work. But if I don’t go back where does that leave me? Forever trying to keep myself busy.

I feel loved

Coping with depression is very hard. As it’s Mental Health Awareness week I decided to post on Facebook about my struggle with depression. Most of my friends on there won’t have been aware that I’m depressed. They’ll just think I must have been busy and that’s why I they haven’t seen or heard from me recently.

I have been overwhelmed and have felt quite emotional at the response I’ve had and all the words of love and support people have replied with.

It’s important not to suffer in silence.

New horizons

I’ve been getting feelings of emptiness and loneliness for the past few weeks now, so rather than feeling sorry for myself I’ve done something about it. I reached out to a friend who separated from her husband a few years ago and we went out for supper.

I told her about an idea I’d had to set up a local social group for single people and she thought it was a great idea.

So, I’ve started by messaging all the

Facebook friends that I know who are single to invite them to join. I’ve had 2 replies. So our new group has been born – just 4 of us so far. It’s a start.