When I am off work with depression the hardest thing is keeping myself busy and motivating myself to do things. Everything is so much more difficult.
Today I’m on my own until 4pm. It’s my youngest daughter’s 16th birthday. She’s popping in to see me after school – it’s not ‘my week’ so she’s not with me until Friday. I’m going to make her a birthday cake this afternoon. I’ve just been to buy candles for the cake.
So today first thing I got myself out of bed at 7.30 – that’s the latest I let myself get up. I went to an exercise class at 9.30. I’m going swimming at 12, and like I say this afternoon will be taken up by making a cake.
My body feels like sitting down and doing nothing all day. I’m having to work hard to fight that feeling. But I know the implications of not fighting it. I know where that goes – rapidly downhill to the point where I can’t do anything. Where I can’t function. Where I feel terrified to be on my own because I don’t trust myself.
My man is coming this evening. I feel like he really cares about me. I feel loved. He understands where I am right now because though he’s never been as bad with depression as I have he has stared into the abyss- he’s just never fallen in like I have.
I am getting to the point where I feel nothing for my ex – I don’t feel hatred towards him anymore. I feel frustration though. The divorce is dragging out because of him. I feel like I’m in limbo. I feel as though I am still tied to him and even still married to him. It’s a horrible feeling. He’s still controlling my life and he’s stopping me from moving on.
I read somewhere that the best way to get over someone is to get under someone else. I’m not sure how true that is, but my new relationship is the distraction I need
to keep me going, to get through the limbo. It helps that my new man is going through a similar experience to me. He is divorced but the finances haven’t been sorted out still even though he’s been divorced for 9 years now.
I don’t know when I’ll be back at work. I wasn’t enjoying my job before the depression came back. I think my job contributed to my depression. I’m not sure I want to go back to work. But if I don’t go back where does that leave me? Forever trying to keep myself busy.
I have been feeling quite well for the past few weeks and then today my mood has plummeted. The cause is the fact that it’s New Year’s Eve and I’m on my own. I went running with 38 other people this morning – my running friends most of whom I know well, but even though I was surrounded by people I knew, I was feeling alone. I burst into tears on the way home. I feel so sorry for myself that I am spending New Year’s Eve alone with just the dog and Netflix for company.
I don’t know why I’m so sad about it. It’s not as if last New Year was any fun. The whole of last December and most of January was crap.
I think the trouble is that we are led, especially by advertisers, to believe that Christmas and New Year are such a happy time with everyone else having great fun. I know I’m not the only one feeling sad and lonely. Just look at any dating app for confirmation of that.
Talking of dating, I dipped my toe into the game of online dating and went on my first date yesterday. What a complete disaster that was. The guy admitted his profile picture was 4 years old – he looked nothing like it – and in real life he was fat and scruffy. As soon as I laid eyes on him I wanted to run in the other direction and I spent the 2 hours we chatted planning how I would let him down gently and then run away. I suppose I should just put it down to experience, but I know that part of the reason I’m feeling low today is because of the nightmare date yesterday. It has made me realise that I will probably never meet Mr Perfect. The rational part of me knows full well that I cannot ever rely on any other person to make me happy. I need to learn to be on my own.
I am going to try my hardest to enjoy my New Year’s Eve solo night in, with my dog, a box of chocolates & Netflix. If I need to cry I will cry. And I will raise a toast to the end of 2018. My annus horribilis.
Next year can’t possibly be worse.
I last wrote a few weeks ago. I’ve been scared to write since then because I’m feeling much better but I didn’t want to jinx it!
I’m keeping myself very busy, making sure my calendar is full every day. I’m hoping to go back to work soon.
I can’t believe I’ve turned this thing around. When you hit rock bottom it’s hard to see the way out.
My soon to be ex-husband continues to be very difficult. He’s still refusing to sell the marital home. I’ve completed my part of the financial settlement, although I’ve still not got my CETV. I’m not letting it get to me anymore. It will all happen in time and thinking about it constantly won’t make it happen any quicker.
I’ve joined 2 dating apps – at the moment I’m just window shopping. I swipe left a lot.
Life is good. I can see a future again.
I’ve had a good week.
I’m hoping that I’ve turned a corner.
The butterflies have gone. I’m talking more and smiling more. Life feels worthwhile again and I feel excited for the future
Please God I hope it lasts 🙏
I’m still battling on with my depression. I’m on my own this week and it’s so hard to keep fighting it completely on my own. But fight it I will.
I managed to go to a Pilates class this afternoon so I’m pleased with myself for that.
I’m feeling particularly down because I had a welfare visit from work last Friday and found out that I’ll only get full pay until mid-November, then half pay for 4 months, then nothing from March. In the meantime my dear soon to be ex husband is refusing to sell the family home to release the equity which would allow me to pay off my mortgage. I’ve seen him twice over the weekend. Seeing him in person has reinforced the fact that I made the right decision when I left him, so from that point of view it was useful. It’s reinforced the fact that he is a total arsehole. I’m just hoping that I don’t lose my house and end up having to live back with him.
He promised me yesterday that he would never let me lose my house. In that case why won’t he sell the big house? He says he can’t face selling the house and that it will be too stressful. It’s bloody stressful being off work with depression and thinking you’re going to lose your house matey!
I don’t know when this nightmare will ever end.
I have to remember that it’s ok to feel sad. It’s ok to feel lonely. These are normal feelings. I have to show compassion to myself. I am in a very stressful situation and I am still functioning – I should be proud of myself for that.
I’ve got to keep going. One thing I will always be is a mum to my girls. He can’t take that away from me.
Yesterday I was admitted for respite to give my family a break.
My mood is very low and I barely had the energy to move. I’m in a lovely place where I feel safe and cared for. It’s only very temporary – I’m only here for a few days. We have regular group therapy sessions which helps to pass the time and is a good distraction from the negative thought soup going on in my head.
I’m encouraged to be active whilst here. I even managed a run this morning which is an improvement on sitting on the sofa for most of the previous 2 days.
I’m finding it so hard to fight this depression. Even writing that has brought a wave of negativity to my brain – I feel it right in my lower abdomen – like a thousand butterflies. So unpleasant.
God, I hate depression.
I’ve realised that I can do more to pull myself out of this depression. With previous episodes one technique I have tried is sleep deprivation. I don’t mean going without sleep completely – even though this has been proven to lift bipolar depression (at least short term) – but rather to reduce the amount of time in bed and increase the time in daylight to correct my circadian rhythm. I found this article about it this morning.
So, this morning I woke up at 6.30 am and instead of lying dozing like I have done recently I got up and opened the curtains straight away. Then I got dressed and went straight out for a dog walk. It may be coincidence but my mood has been much better today than it has been for weeks. I’m tired now, as I’ve been awake for 15 hours, but I’m not so tired that I need my bed yet.
I have kept very busy today. I went to Sainsbury’s this morning, then to the DIY shop to get paint and brushes for a job I’m planning to do next week when my daughter’s at her dad’s. I also went to the GP surgery to request my next prescription for Lamotrigine.
When I got back home I discovered a letter from my solicitor about the financial settlement for the divorce with a very lengthy form to fill in. I still haven’t got my CETV (Certificate of Estimated Transfer Value) for my pension, but I spent 6 hours filling in the form, printing out 12 months of bank statements etc. When I’d finished with all of it I took it to the solicitor’s office personally rather than posting it. My solicitor advised me to cooperate with the financial statement – I don’t think I could have been any more cooperative really since I’ve sent all the information back within 7 hours of receiving the request.
It’s a relief – even printing all of the bank statements was a huge job on its own.
I had a sudden memory of something about my ex-husband this morning that I’d forgotten about. I remember dreading my younger daughters going to stay with their big sister over the past few years in the summer holidays as it meant I was alone with my husband each time for a few days. The horrible feeling of dread came over me as I recalled the memory. It helped remind me of why I have left.
The court date for the decree nisi is set for 15th August – I smiled when I read that bit in the solicitor’s letter. I feel as though the horrible limbo that I’ve been existing in for the past few months will finally end.
It’s been a good day today. I’m not out of the woods yet, but I’m on the right path to find the way out.