On my own

I’m slowly getting used to being on my own. I still feel a bit anxious when I am alone, but I’m less afraid of it than I was.

My return to work is going fairly well, I’m making slow but steady progress but it’s taking me time to get my confidence back.

It’s taking me time to just get used to getting up every day and getting out of the house.

In the meantime my ex is apparently not coping well. His best friend died suddenly 2 weeks ago and another close friend of his has been diagnosed with cancer. I feel sorry for him, but don’t I feel I can help him.

If he hadn’t been so nasty to me, showing me no respect or trust then maybe I would feel more compassionate towards him, but he brought about the one thing he was terrified of – he made me leave.

I am upset about comments that he made in his financial declaration. He said that I had hidden my savings from him. I had told him about the ISA I took out to make up for the missing years of my pension. He just didn’t listen. He often didn’t listen to me.

I have found out that he has 3 ISAs and a savings bond. I had no idea about those. He has done the very thing he accused me of – he hid his savings from me.

Oh, I am so fed up of the whole thing.

It’s that time of year

I’ve been struggling today with feelings of loneliness. Obviously now that we’re in December there are reminders everywhere of Christmas – music playing in the shops, lights on houses, trees in windows. In fact I’ve just walked the dog and not only were there trees in the window of one of the bungalows around the corner, there were scary-looking Santas as well. There’ll be none of that tat in my house. I’ve bought myself a tiny tree in a pot and a star and some reindeer that I’ve painted. I can’t pretend that Christmas isn’t happening. I have to accept that it is even though it’s so painful. I’m going to have my own version of Christmas.

The one thing I must keep reminding myself is just how shit last Christmas was. I cried so much. I was constantly crying.

I know that all the Christmas adverts and songs on the radio paint a version of Christmas that doesn’t exist for an awful lot of people. An awful lot of people are miserable at Christmas and January is the month when there’s a spike in marriage break-ups.

I’ve joined 2 dating sites but I don’t think I’m ready to actually date anyone yet. I’m just window shopping. I mostly swipe left but I have had strange online conversations with a couple of guys. And I’ve been ghosted 👻 twice. I’m not ready for rejection in real life just yet. Also, I don’t want to start looking for a man just to be another half to make me whole. I have to accept myself as whole on my own first.

I’ve felt a bit sorry for myself generally today. I’m anxious about work. But one thing is for certain – I have to get back into work. The alternative is unthinkable i.e all day every day with nothing to do. While I was off work it became incredibly difficult to fill my days. I couldn’t imagine retiring.

It’s been a while

I haven’t written anything for weeks. The reason is that I’m much better but again I haven’t wanted to jinx it by actually saying it out loud.

I’m back at work and have been for 3 weeks. I know I’m getting my confidence back gradually, but I’m still full of self doubt. I know it’s ridiculous and there’s no good reason to doubt myself. The work I’ve done has been to my normal high standard, but I’m thinking about it all too much. I became overwhelmed by anxiety this afternoon but I held it together so no-one noticed.

I’m finding it weird to even get up and go to work. I haven’t done it for so long.

I’m feeling lonely. It doesn’t help that all the girls at work talk constantly about their partners/husbands and what they’ll be doing at the weekend. I know in my logical head that I would have had those same conversations 10 years ago, before it all went horribly wrong.

Ifeel like I have no-one to talk to – my rational self knows that is not true. A lot of people who care about me are only a phone call away.

I have to keep fighting the self doubt and low moods. I can’t let my ex win. If I fall to pieces again he will have won. I cannot let that happen.

I have to start living my life and enjoying it for myself. I have to stop feeling that my life is over. It isn’t over and the only one judging and doubting me is me.

One day I will come out the other side.

One day I will wake up and realise that I am enough.

Busy mind

I’ll know when I’m better because I’ll no longer be constantly thinking about how anxious I am, imagining myself in different scenarios, unable to carry out even the simplest task without rehearsing it over and over in my head.

I’m exhausted by the constant stream of chatter in my head – at least it feels constant, but I think actually there are moments when my mind is at peace – I’m just not aware of them. I can’t really tell how I am this week because I’m staying at my daughter’s house, 30 miles away from home. I’m cocooned in a little bubble of loveliness.

Yet my mind still chatters away telling me I’m still not fit to return to work, I’m not fit to drive – even though I haven’t got my car here with me to actually try. My mind wanders off into the future making up its own reality of what the future will bring – and obviously it’s all bleak and hopeless.

I am enjoying being at my daughter’s – she’s keeping me very busy. Last night we went to see some performance art, today we’ve been to a drawing class then yoga. Obviously my brain isn’t letting me just enjoy being busy with my daughter – obviously my brain is comparing what I’m doing this week with the void of nothingness that will be coming next week.

I have to keep reminding myself that I’m not actually a soothsayer and I can’t actually predict the future.

When it’s raining look for rainbows

I’m still depressed and I’m feeling very very lonely. I’m not sure if the loneliness caused my depression or the depression is making me lonely. Probably both.

I’m so bored as well. I’ve been off work for 7 weeks now. I’ve got very little to do during the day and my boredom compounds my loneliness. I’m in a never-ending cycle of nothingness and solitude. I’ve taken to doing colouring and painting by numbers but it doesn’t feel like much of an achievement when I complete a page of my colouring book. I can just about concentrate to read and I’m going through a fair number of books. I’m reading one at the moment written by a woman who was emotionally and physically abused – I read half of it yesterday.

Next week I’ve decided to go to my mum’s to stay. I’m hoping that if I am in company continually for the next few weeks that my mood will lift and I’ll hopefully be able to sustain any improvement – whenever people are around me my mood does lift, then at the moment it plummets as soon as I am alone. I had no issue about being on my own before the depression started.

My youngest daughter is with me this week, but she’s at school during the day. I’m dragging myself to pilates and yoga classes, but I really am having to drag myself. I’ve got the dog this week so I have to walk him twice a day. I’ve just been on a dog walk – I really didn’t want to go but I made myself and I actually enjoyed it despite my paranoia and agoraphobia – I have to remember that I enjoyed it for future reference.

I am fighting this depression as hard as I can. I’m making myself do the opposite of what I feel like doing. Most of the time I’d much rather lie in bed than do anything. I’m not letting myself lie in bed.

I have an intrusive rumination at the moment – my husband is refusing to sell the marital home and I’m worried that I’ll lose my house because I won’t be able to pay my mortgage. In my logical head I know that I have savings that I can dip into if I need to which should keep me afloat for at least a year – my anxiety is exacerbating the depression and my pay running out will become a self fulfilling prophecy if I’m not careful. I get full pay until November, then half pay until March. I keep going over and over it in my head. It’s wearing me out.

I hate depression. 3 months ago my life seemed normal – I could go food shopping without even thinking about it. I could drive for hundreds of miles by myself without a care. Now I have to think through every stage of any task and it feels like climbing a massive mountain. I can’t go shopping without severe anxiety beforehand or drive more than a couple of miles without feeling panicky and wanting to return home.

I have had these feelings before. My last depression was 8 years ago and I did get better. I know it’s possible and that I mustn’t give up.

This beautiful rainbow just appeared outside while I was writing.

When it’s raining look for rainbows.

Still fighting

It’s nine days since I last wrote anything. In some ways I’m better. My mood has lifted a bit, but I still have massive anxiety symptoms and I feel very unsettled today.

The girls came back from the trip to Rome with my ex. I survived the week they were away and my youngest is staying with me this week.

I’ve been off work for the past 5 weeks. I can’t imagine doing my job at the moment – I’ve lost all my confidence and I can’t concentrate on much.

But on a positive note I joined a new choir on Monday and I went running with my running club last night despite my anxiety.

I’m apprehensive about next week as I will be completely by myself again. I’m just not sure how I’ll keep myself busy. When I’m by myself time just feels like a vast ocean with no end. I spend all day longing to go back to bed to sleep. There are things I could do to busy myself if I had the motivation and if I could fight my feelings of paranoia and agoraphobia which stop me stepping outside my front door.

I have to keep fighting this. I don’t want to be depressed. I hate it.