Busy mind

I’ll know when I’m better because I’ll no longer be constantly thinking about how anxious I am, imagining myself in different scenarios, unable to carry out even the simplest task without rehearsing it over and over in my head.

I’m exhausted by the constant stream of chatter in my head – at least it feels constant, but I think actually there are moments when my mind is at peace – I’m just not aware of them. I can’t really tell how I am this week because I’m staying at my daughter’s house, 30 miles away from home. I’m cocooned in a little bubble of loveliness.

Yet my mind still chatters away telling me I’m still not fit to return to work, I’m not fit to drive – even though I haven’t got my car here with me to actually try. My mind wanders off into the future making up its own reality of what the future will bring – and obviously it’s all bleak and hopeless.

I am enjoying being at my daughter’s – she’s keeping me very busy. Last night we went to see some performance art, today we’ve been to a drawing class then yoga. Obviously my brain isn’t letting me just enjoy being busy with my daughter – obviously my brain is comparing what I’m doing this week with the void of nothingness that will be coming next week.

I have to keep reminding myself that I’m not actually a soothsayer and I can’t actually predict the future.

I feel stuck

It’s ages since I’ve written anything. I really should write more often because it does help me to get my thoughts out of my head. I’m still depressed. I feel stuck in a rut that I am unable to break free from. I’ve just read a book on co-dependency and I’ve learned that I have pathological loneliness which is connected to me being a codependent – it’s probably the reason I became a codependent in the first place. I have an intense fear of being by myself. This is something I am going to have to tackle if am ever going to break free from my depression.

My husband is still refusing to sell the marital home – if he’s not careful he’s going to have to put up with me moving back in with him when I can’t afford to live by myself any longer. That would be a disaster for both of us. We are a nightmare together – within weeks we’d be back to our cycle of arguments, or even worse. Over the past few years we’d lost respect for each other more and more to the point where we had forgotten how to communicate in anything other than a completely dysfunctional way.

I need some kind of therapy to help me out of this. I’m waiting for CBT, but I think I probably need psychotherapy to delve into how I’ve ended up like this. I’m no longer seeing the therapist I had been paying to see – his appointments required a 50 mile round trip in the car and right now I can never predict whether I’ll be able to drive or not from day to day because my concentration fluctuates. I can’t plan anything in advance. I tried driving on the motorway 2 days ago and I couldn’t concentrate at all – it didn’t feel safe. Only a few days before I’d driven with no problem at all.

If I can’t drive I can’t get back to work.

I can’t tell if I’m getting better or not. I keep having a glimmer of normality and then I crash again. I’ve been nearly admitted twice over the past 2 months – the last time was 5 weeks ago. I think I’m better than I was then, but when you’re living with it day to day it’s hard to tell if you’re making progress.

Last week I attended an intensive course of CBT and DBT. I’m trying to practice mindfulness regularly and also radical acceptance – I have mantras that I say to myself over and over

“I accept my life as it is right now”

“I accept the things I cannot change”

I’m staying with my oldest daughter this week, and my grandchildren. I’m loving spending time with them, but I can’t help thinking that I’m running away from my problems rather than tackling them.

I’m going to go for a mindful walk now

– it’s a beautiful sunny day.

When it’s raining look for rainbows

I’m still depressed and I’m feeling very very lonely. I’m not sure if the loneliness caused my depression or the depression is making me lonely. Probably both.

I’m so bored as well. I’ve been off work for 7 weeks now. I’ve got very little to do during the day and my boredom compounds my loneliness. I’m in a never-ending cycle of nothingness and solitude. I’ve taken to doing colouring and painting by numbers but it doesn’t feel like much of an achievement when I complete a page of my colouring book. I can just about concentrate to read and I’m going through a fair number of books. I’m reading one at the moment written by a woman who was emotionally and physically abused – I read half of it yesterday.

Next week I’ve decided to go to my mum’s to stay. I’m hoping that if I am in company continually for the next few weeks that my mood will lift and I’ll hopefully be able to sustain any improvement – whenever people are around me my mood does lift, then at the moment it plummets as soon as I am alone. I had no issue about being on my own before the depression started.

My youngest daughter is with me this week, but she’s at school during the day. I’m dragging myself to pilates and yoga classes, but I really am having to drag myself. I’ve got the dog this week so I have to walk him twice a day. I’ve just been on a dog walk – I really didn’t want to go but I made myself and I actually enjoyed it despite my paranoia and agoraphobia – I have to remember that I enjoyed it for future reference.

I am fighting this depression as hard as I can. I’m making myself do the opposite of what I feel like doing. Most of the time I’d much rather lie in bed than do anything. I’m not letting myself lie in bed.

I have an intrusive rumination at the moment – my husband is refusing to sell the marital home and I’m worried that I’ll lose my house because I won’t be able to pay my mortgage. In my logical head I know that I have savings that I can dip into if I need to which should keep me afloat for at least a year – my anxiety is exacerbating the depression and my pay running out will become a self fulfilling prophecy if I’m not careful. I get full pay until November, then half pay until March. I keep going over and over it in my head. It’s wearing me out.

I hate depression. 3 months ago my life seemed normal – I could go food shopping without even thinking about it. I could drive for hundreds of miles by myself without a care. Now I have to think through every stage of any task and it feels like climbing a massive mountain. I can’t go shopping without severe anxiety beforehand or drive more than a couple of miles without feeling panicky and wanting to return home.

I have had these feelings before. My last depression was 8 years ago and I did get better. I know it’s possible and that I mustn’t give up.

This beautiful rainbow just appeared outside while I was writing.

When it’s raining look for rainbows.

Exhausted

I’m still battling on with my depression. I’m on my own this week and it’s so hard to keep fighting it completely on my own. But fight it I will.

I managed to go to a Pilates class this afternoon so I’m pleased with myself for that.

I’m feeling particularly down because I had a welfare visit from work last Friday and found out that I’ll only get full pay until mid-November, then half pay for 4 months, then nothing from March. In the meantime my dear soon to be ex husband is refusing to sell the family home to release the equity which would allow me to pay off my mortgage. I’ve seen him twice over the weekend. Seeing him in person has reinforced the fact that I made the right decision when I left him, so from that point of view it was useful. It’s reinforced the fact that he is a total arsehole. I’m just hoping that I don’t lose my house and end up having to live back with him.

He promised me yesterday that he would never let me lose my house. In that case why won’t he sell the big house? He says he can’t face selling the house and that it will be too stressful. It’s bloody stressful being off work with depression and thinking you’re going to lose your house matey!

I don’t know when this nightmare will ever end.

I have to remember that it’s ok to feel sad. It’s ok to feel lonely. These are normal feelings. I have to show compassion to myself. I am in a very stressful situation and I am still functioning – I should be proud of myself for that.

I’ve got to keep going. One thing I will always be is a mum to my girls. He can’t take that away from me.

Still fighting

It’s nine days since I last wrote anything. In some ways I’m better. My mood has lifted a bit, but I still have massive anxiety symptoms and I feel very unsettled today.

The girls came back from the trip to Rome with my ex. I survived the week they were away and my youngest is staying with me this week.

I’ve been off work for the past 5 weeks. I can’t imagine doing my job at the moment – I’ve lost all my confidence and I can’t concentrate on much.

But on a positive note I joined a new choir on Monday and I went running with my running club last night despite my anxiety.

I’m apprehensive about next week as I will be completely by myself again. I’m just not sure how I’ll keep myself busy. When I’m by myself time just feels like a vast ocean with no end. I spend all day longing to go back to bed to sleep. There are things I could do to busy myself if I had the motivation and if I could fight my feelings of paranoia and agoraphobia which stop me stepping outside my front door.

I have to keep fighting this. I don’t want to be depressed. I hate it.

All messed up

I haven’t written in a while. My mood has been so low that I haven’t had the energy to write anything. And I’m so mixed up about the divorce, work, everything.

I was admitted for respite for 2 days to give my family a break the week before last. It didn’t really help me in any way.

I’m now back at home by myself. I don’t feel like a danger to myself anymore, so I’m allowed to be on my own.

I feel so lonely and isolated though. My youngest two daughters have gone on the Italy trip with their father – that’s why I’m feeling so bad. I feel so confused about my ex now. I know that he was a complete bastard to me, but in my current depressed state I want him to help me get better. How messed up is that?