The only way is up

Yesterday was a bad day. I reached my lowest point yet. I was on my own at home with no plans to see anyone. I’d finished painting the stairs with the correct colour and then became overcome by feelings of despair and fear of being on my own. I didn’t trust myself.

I phoned an emergency number given to me by the Psychiatrist. I’ve been given an appointment to see the Home Treatment team on Friday. I didn’t feel safe by myself at my house, so I’m back at my mum’s, sitting on the bed in my old room writing this.

I was so confused about everything last night. I didn’t know what to do with myself. I had an overwhelming desire to speak to my husband. We’ve had no contact for nearly 4 months. Despite everything that’s happened I miss him. I also need to discuss things with him about the children – especially our youngest – whole weeks without her and with no contact are making me ill. Also, right now I am more afraid of myself than I am of him. I don’t feel threatened by him anymore.

I phoned him and we spoke on the phone for 90 minutes. We didn’t argue at all. He’s seeing a therapist fortnightly. We talked about the divorce – so far we’re still going ahead with it. I don’t know what to think about it all, but I felt better for talking to him. I know all the advice says to have no contact to get over someone, but every relationship is different – there’s no one size fits all and deep down I don’t know if I want to get over him. I’m wondering if the pending decree nisi tomorrow is one reason I’m feeling so low – I never wanted the divorce straight away – I just wanted to separate and see how things went.

Everything has happened too quickly.

I am really mixed up. I’m also pre-menstrual. I may feel different about everything tomorrow.