Today, at long last, I received my decree absolute, 2 years after I left my ex-husband.
I feel like celebrating one minute then I feel sad, I feel lost, then relieved, I feel scared, I feel free – I’m all over the place. I’ve spent 2 years waiting for this day and now that it’s here it feels like a huge anticlimax.
I have to remind myself that today is the last day of my marriage but the first day of my new life.
I feel free. I feel like I want to tell the world.
My solicitor just rang to warn me that it’s absolutely normal to feel euphoric right now, but that my mood might crash in the next few days. At least I know.
I do feel very tired. The horrible churning of anxiety has gone. I felt it going as the proceedings went on this morning.
I know there’s still shit to get through. We have to sell the house. He has to sell the business. I’ll get half of both. I’ll get a lump sum from him in the next few days. He’ll get some of my pension (unless he dies in the next 4 months).
The meeting with my manager was cancelled, or rather postponed, until later this week. I’m not sure how I feel about that but part of me is definitely relieved. The other part of me wanted to get it over with.
I am so very anxious at the moment, about everything. I can’t work out if I’m anxious because of life events or is the anxiety just how I am now, meaning that I’m finding anything and everything to be anxious about?
There are plenty of reasons that I am feeling uneasy: –
1) The divorce
2) The mortgage
3) The fact that I had my identity stolen in June and I lost £3,000 – I am due to get it all back but the whole thing was horrible.
4) The strained relationship between my boyfriend and my daughter.
5) My boyfriend’s plans to find a new job, potentially leading to him moving away permanently.
He’s mentioned maybe moving away a few times, each time explaining his comments away as just a result of too much alcohol or because he was feeling a bit down. I don’t know how he feels about our relationship – he keeps his cards very close to his chest. He constantly gives out mixed messages – he tells me about his idea of moving away one minute, then the next minute he’s saying he wants to come over and see me because he’s missing me. He suggested going away together in 3 months’ time, but when I told him I loved him, he didn’t even react.
Arrrgghhh, maybe I shouldn’t have started dating so soon. I can’t unmeet him now though. I can’t undo the way he smiled at me and I melted the first time we met. I can’t undo all the daily phone calls between us, sometimes as many as 3 calls a day.
I’m slowly getting used to being on my own. I still feel a bit anxious when I am alone, but I’m less afraid of it than I was.
My return to work is going fairly well, I’m making slow but steady progress but it’s taking me time to get my confidence back.
It’s taking me time to just get used to getting up every day and getting out of the house.
In the meantime my ex is apparently not coping well. His best friend died suddenly 2 weeks ago and another close friend of his has been diagnosed with cancer. I feel sorry for him, but don’t I feel I can help him.
If he hadn’t been so nasty to me, showing me no respect or trust then maybe I would feel more compassionate towards him, but he brought about the one thing he was terrified of – he made me leave.
I am upset about comments that he made in his financial declaration. He said that I had hidden my savings from him. I had told him about the ISA I took out to make up for the missing years of my pension. He just didn’t listen. He often didn’t listen to me.
I have found out that he has 3 ISAs and a savings bond. I had no idea about those. He has done the very thing he accused me of – he hid his savings from me.
I’ve been struggling today with feelings of loneliness. Obviously now that we’re in December there are reminders everywhere of Christmas – music playing in the shops, lights on houses, trees in windows. In fact I’ve just walked the dog and not only were there trees in the window of one of the bungalows around the corner, there were scary-looking Santas as well. There’ll be none of that tat in my house. I’ve bought myself a tiny tree in a pot and a star and some reindeer that I’ve painted. I can’t pretend that Christmas isn’t happening. I have to accept that it is even though it’s so painful. I’m going to have my own version of Christmas.
The one thing I must keep reminding myself is just how shit last Christmas was. I cried so much. I was constantly crying.
I know that all the Christmas adverts and songs on the radio paint a version of Christmas that doesn’t exist for an awful lot of people. An awful lot of people are miserable at Christmas and January is the month when there’s a spike in marriage break-ups.
I’ve joined 2 dating sites but I don’t think I’m ready to actually date anyone yet. I’m just window shopping. I mostly swipe left but I have had strange online conversations with a couple of guys. And I’ve been ghosted 👻 twice. I’m not ready for rejection in real life just yet. Also, I don’t want to start looking for a man just to be another half to make me whole. I have to accept myself as whole on my own first.
I’ve felt a bit sorry for myself generally today. I’m anxious about work. But one thing is for certain – I have to get back into work. The alternative is unthinkable i.e all day every day with nothing to do. While I was off work it became incredibly difficult to fill my days. I couldn’t imagine retiring.
I’m still depressed and I’m feeling very very lonely. I’m not sure if the loneliness caused my depression or the depression is making me lonely. Probably both.
I’m so bored as well. I’ve been off work for 7 weeks now. I’ve got very little to do during the day and my boredom compounds my loneliness. I’m in a never-ending cycle of nothingness and solitude. I’ve taken to doing colouring and painting by numbers but it doesn’t feel like much of an achievement when I complete a page of my colouring book. I can just about concentrate to read and I’m going through a fair number of books. I’m reading one at the moment written by a woman who was emotionally and physically abused – I read half of it yesterday.
Next week I’ve decided to go to my mum’s to stay. I’m hoping that if I am in company continually for the next few weeks that my mood will lift and I’ll hopefully be able to sustain any improvement – whenever people are around me my mood does lift, then at the moment it plummets as soon as I am alone. I had no issue about being on my own before the depression started.
My youngest daughter is with me this week, but she’s at school during the day. I’m dragging myself to pilates and yoga classes, but I really am having to drag myself. I’ve got the dog this week so I have to walk him twice a day. I’ve just been on a dog walk – I really didn’t want to go but I made myself and I actually enjoyed it despite my paranoia and agoraphobia – I have to remember that I enjoyed it for future reference.
I am fighting this depression as hard as I can. I’m making myself do the opposite of what I feel like doing. Most of the time I’d much rather lie in bed than do anything. I’m not letting myself lie in bed.
I have an intrusive rumination at the moment – my husband is refusing to sell the marital home and I’m worried that I’ll lose my house because I won’t be able to pay my mortgage. In my logical head I know that I have savings that I can dip into if I need to which should keep me afloat for at least a year – my anxiety is exacerbating the depression and my pay running out will become a self fulfilling prophecy if I’m not careful. I get full pay until November, then half pay until March. I keep going over and over it in my head. It’s wearing me out.
I hate depression. 3 months ago my life seemed normal – I could go food shopping without even thinking about it. I could drive for hundreds of miles by myself without a care. Now I have to think through every stage of any task and it feels like climbing a massive mountain. I can’t go shopping without severe anxiety beforehand or drive more than a couple of miles without feeling panicky and wanting to return home.
I have had these feelings before. My last depression was 8 years ago and I did get better. I know it’s possible and that I mustn’t give up.
This beautiful rainbow just appeared outside while I was writing.
I’m still battling on with my depression. I’m on my own this week and it’s so hard to keep fighting it completely on my own. But fight it I will.
I managed to go to a Pilates class this afternoon so I’m pleased with myself for that.
I’m feeling particularly down because I had a welfare visit from work last Friday and found out that I’ll only get full pay until mid-November, then half pay for 4 months, then nothing from March. In the meantime my dear soon to be ex husband is refusing to sell the family home to release the equity which would allow me to pay off my mortgage. I’ve seen him twice over the weekend. Seeing him in person has reinforced the fact that I made the right decision when I left him, so from that point of view it was useful. It’s reinforced the fact that he is a total arsehole. I’m just hoping that I don’t lose my house and end up having to live back with him.
He promised me yesterday that he would never let me lose my house. In that case why won’t he sell the big house? He says he can’t face selling the house and that it will be too stressful. It’s bloody stressful being off work with depression and thinking you’re going to lose your house matey!
I don’t know when this nightmare will ever end.
I have to remember that it’s ok to feel sad. It’s ok to feel lonely. These are normal feelings. I have to show compassion to myself. I am in a very stressful situation and I am still functioning – I should be proud of myself for that.
I’ve got to keep going. One thing I will always be is a mum to my girls. He can’t take that away from me.