The black dog returned

I haven’t written anything for quite a while. The reason is that I’ve become depressed again. It’s the 5th time in 22 years.

One of the last things my Psychiatrist said to me before he took early retirement 8 years ago was to avoid stress. Well, I guess over the past 6 months I have just loaded on the stress – left my husband, bought a house, went through major changes at work. In that time I lost my routine and any sense of stability I had.

My mood has been continually up and down for months and from everything I’ve read and all the other divorced friends I’ve spoken to that’s completely normal, but just at the moment there’s a lot more down than up. And when you’ve got a bipolar brain the mood swings are exaggerated.

I went away last week with my 2 younger daughters – I managed to pull myself out of the worst depths of the depression in that week by being with them 24 hours a day, walking miles and swimming every day.

But now I’m home reality has kicked back in and I realised this morning that I don’t have the confidence to return to work next week. I couldn’t find the energy to walk half a mile up the road to go swimming, even going to the shop was hard – and that’s even nearer.

So, I’ve been to the doctor and got myself on Prozac again (I’ve had it

twice before – it worked the first time, but not the second). I’ve had several SSRIs over the years. I was on mirtazapine the week before last but that made me feel dreadful. I stopped it after 7 days.

I’ve got proper bipolar depression with diurnal mood variation – I feel better this evening which is why I’m managing to write this.

I know what to do to fight it – been there, done that, got several T shirts. I have to remember that negative thoughts are just thoughts, I need stimulation – as much as possible, routine, good food and activity. I have therefore borrowed the dog even though it’s not my week to have him. I’m signed off work for 4 weeks.

I will get through this.

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