I have been feeling quite well for the past few weeks and then today my mood has plummeted. The cause is the fact that it’s New Year’s Eve and I’m on my own. I went running with 38 other people this morning – my running friends most of whom I know well, but even though I was surrounded by people I knew, I was feeling alone. I burst into tears on the way home. I feel so sorry for myself that I am spending New Year’s Eve alone with just the dog and Netflix for company.
I don’t know why I’m so sad about it. It’s not as if last New Year was any fun. The whole of last December and most of January was crap.
I think the trouble is that we are led, especially by advertisers, to believe that Christmas and New Year are such a happy time with everyone else having great fun. I know I’m not the only one feeling sad and lonely. Just look at any dating app for confirmation of that.
Talking of dating, I dipped my toe into the game of online dating and went on my first date yesterday. What a complete disaster that was. The guy admitted his profile picture was 4 years old – he looked nothing like it – and in real life he was fat and scruffy. As soon as I laid eyes on him I wanted to run in the other direction and I spent the 2 hours we chatted planning how I would let him down gently and then run away. I suppose I should just put it down to experience, but I know that part of the reason I’m feeling low today is because of the nightmare date yesterday. It has made me realise that I will probably never meet Mr Perfect. The rational part of me knows full well that I cannot ever rely on any other person to make me happy. I need to learn to be on my own.
I am going to try my hardest to enjoy my New Year’s Eve solo night in, with my dog, a box of chocolates & Netflix. If I need to cry I will cry. And I will raise a toast to the end of 2018. My annus horribilis.
Next year can’t possibly be worse.