It’s that time of year

I’ve been struggling today with feelings of loneliness. Obviously now that we’re in December there are reminders everywhere of Christmas – music playing in the shops, lights on houses, trees in windows. In fact I’ve just walked the dog and not only were there trees in the window of one of the bungalows around the corner, there were scary-looking Santas as well. There’ll be none of that tat in my house. I’ve bought myself a tiny tree in a pot and a star and some reindeer that I’ve painted. I can’t pretend that Christmas isn’t happening. I have to accept that it is even though it’s so painful. I’m going to have my own version of Christmas.

The one thing I must keep reminding myself is just how shit last Christmas was. I cried so much. I was constantly crying.

I know that all the Christmas adverts and songs on the radio paint a version of Christmas that doesn’t exist for an awful lot of people. An awful lot of people are miserable at Christmas and January is the month when there’s a spike in marriage break-ups.

I’ve joined 2 dating sites but I don’t think I’m ready to actually date anyone yet. I’m just window shopping. I mostly swipe left but I have had strange online conversations with a couple of guys. And I’ve been ghosted 👻 twice. I’m not ready for rejection in real life just yet. Also, I don’t want to start looking for a man just to be another half to make me whole. I have to accept myself as whole on my own first.

I’ve felt a bit sorry for myself generally today. I’m anxious about work. But one thing is for certain – I have to get back into work. The alternative is unthinkable i.e all day every day with nothing to do. While I was off work it became incredibly difficult to fill my days. I couldn’t imagine retiring.

It’s been a while

I haven’t written anything for weeks. The reason is that I’m much better but again I haven’t wanted to jinx it by actually saying it out loud.

I’m back at work and have been for 3 weeks. I know I’m getting my confidence back gradually, but I’m still full of self doubt. I know it’s ridiculous and there’s no good reason to doubt myself. The work I’ve done has been to my normal high standard, but I’m thinking about it all too much. I became overwhelmed by anxiety this afternoon but I held it together so no-one noticed.

I’m finding it weird to even get up and go to work. I haven’t done it for so long.

I’m feeling lonely. It doesn’t help that all the girls at work talk constantly about their partners/husbands and what they’ll be doing at the weekend. I know in my logical head that I would have had those same conversations 10 years ago, before it all went horribly wrong.

Ifeel like I have no-one to talk to – my rational self knows that is not true. A lot of people who care about me are only a phone call away.

I have to keep fighting the self doubt and low moods. I can’t let my ex win. If I fall to pieces again he will have won. I cannot let that happen.

I have to start living my life and enjoying it for myself. I have to stop feeling that my life is over. It isn’t over and the only one judging and doubting me is me.

One day I will come out the other side.

One day I will wake up and realise that I am enough.

On the mend

I last wrote a few weeks ago. I’ve been scared to write since then because I’m feeling much better but I didn’t want to jinx it!

I’m keeping myself very busy, making sure my calendar is full every day. I’m hoping to go back to work soon.

I can’t believe I’ve turned this thing around. When you hit rock bottom it’s hard to see the way out.

My soon to be ex-husband continues to be very difficult. He’s still refusing to sell the marital home. I’ve completed my part of the financial settlement, although I’ve still not got my CETV. I’m not letting it get to me anymore. It will all happen in time and thinking about it constantly won’t make it happen any quicker.

I’ve joined 2 dating apps – at the moment I’m just window shopping. I swipe left a lot.

Life is good. I can see a future again.

I feel loved

Coping with depression is very hard. As it’s Mental Health Awareness week I decided to post on Facebook about my struggle with depression. Most of my friends on there won’t have been aware that I’m depressed. They’ll just think I must have been busy and that’s why I they haven’t seen or heard from me recently.

I have been overwhelmed and have felt quite emotional at the response I’ve had and all the words of love and support people have replied with.

It’s important not to suffer in silence.

Busy mind

I’ll know when I’m better because I’ll no longer be constantly thinking about how anxious I am, imagining myself in different scenarios, unable to carry out even the simplest task without rehearsing it over and over in my head.

I’m exhausted by the constant stream of chatter in my head – at least it feels constant, but I think actually there are moments when my mind is at peace – I’m just not aware of them. I can’t really tell how I am this week because I’m staying at my daughter’s house, 30 miles away from home. I’m cocooned in a little bubble of loveliness.

Yet my mind still chatters away telling me I’m still not fit to return to work, I’m not fit to drive – even though I haven’t got my car here with me to actually try. My mind wanders off into the future making up its own reality of what the future will bring – and obviously it’s all bleak and hopeless.

I am enjoying being at my daughter’s – she’s keeping me very busy. Last night we went to see some performance art, today we’ve been to a drawing class then yoga. Obviously my brain isn’t letting me just enjoy being busy with my daughter – obviously my brain is comparing what I’m doing this week with the void of nothingness that will be coming next week.

I have to keep reminding myself that I’m not actually a soothsayer and I can’t actually predict the future.

I feel stuck

It’s ages since I’ve written anything. I really should write more often because it does help me to get my thoughts out of my head. I’m still depressed. I feel stuck in a rut that I am unable to break free from. I’ve just read a book on co-dependency and I’ve learned that I have pathological loneliness which is connected to me being a codependent – it’s probably the reason I became a codependent in the first place. I have an intense fear of being by myself. This is something I am going to have to tackle if am ever going to break free from my depression.

My husband is still refusing to sell the marital home – if he’s not careful he’s going to have to put up with me moving back in with him when I can’t afford to live by myself any longer. That would be a disaster for both of us. We are a nightmare together – within weeks we’d be back to our cycle of arguments, or even worse. Over the past few years we’d lost respect for each other more and more to the point where we had forgotten how to communicate in anything other than a completely dysfunctional way.

I need some kind of therapy to help me out of this. I’m waiting for CBT, but I think I probably need psychotherapy to delve into how I’ve ended up like this. I’m no longer seeing the therapist I had been paying to see – his appointments required a 50 mile round trip in the car and right now I can never predict whether I’ll be able to drive or not from day to day because my concentration fluctuates. I can’t plan anything in advance. I tried driving on the motorway 2 days ago and I couldn’t concentrate at all – it didn’t feel safe. Only a few days before I’d driven with no problem at all.

If I can’t drive I can’t get back to work.

I can’t tell if I’m getting better or not. I keep having a glimmer of normality and then I crash again. I’ve been nearly admitted twice over the past 2 months – the last time was 5 weeks ago. I think I’m better than I was then, but when you’re living with it day to day it’s hard to tell if you’re making progress.

Last week I attended an intensive course of CBT and DBT. I’m trying to practice mindfulness regularly and also radical acceptance – I have mantras that I say to myself over and over

“I accept my life as it is right now”

“I accept the things I cannot change”

I’m staying with my oldest daughter this week, and my grandchildren. I’m loving spending time with them, but I can’t help thinking that I’m running away from my problems rather than tackling them.

I’m going to go for a mindful walk now

– it’s a beautiful sunny day.