Yin and Yang

One thing that keeps popping into my head is what my husband’s version of events would be. Would he be telling people the polar opposite of my story? Possibly.
I think he truly believes (most of the time) that he has done no wrong. He thinks that I have ignored him and made him feel bad for everything he has done. Every single thing. I have been cold towards him and shown no affection. In recent years he’s right. He has ground me down to the point where I feel no love for him. I feel nothing for him. I am numb towards him. Asexual. Like a plant.
He will probably be telling people what a bitch I am. How I left him out of the blue with no warning. How I left when he was at work and phoned him to give him the news. How I gave him no explanation and still haven’t (even though I have told him several times that I left because I was desperately unhappy and because of the way he yelled abuse at me the night before I left).
He’ll be telling them how sad he is, how confused he is. How he just can’t understand what I’ve done.
If I ever say I was scared of him, all the time, he would say he was more scared of me. If I ever say to him that I left because of his abuse he’d laugh his scariest laugh and say he’d never abused me – I had abused him. I’ve made him feel bad for everything he ever does. Maybe I even made him feel inadequate. To a point he’d be right. I did want him to feel bad for the bad things he did. And I did feel as far as being a good husband goes he was inadequate.
Am I to blame? Could I have made things better if only I’d shown him some affection and listened to him and talked to him. Believe me I tried. I am exhausted from trying.
My children have been telling me – ‘he just wants to talk to you mum’. Believe me I’ve tried. I’m exhausted from trying.
I need to be free.