Oh, where do I start?
I am so anxious. I have constant physical symptoms – I feel it either in my abdomen as a churning feeling, or as a heavy feeling in my chest. There is no respite – it shifts from belly to chest incessantly. I don’t want to feel like this. I hate it.
I’m on my own today. I was hoping to meet my friends for coffee this morning – we meet every Wednesday – but today everyone’s busy so I’m at home – just me and my anxiety.
I’ve spent the last 2 hours tidying and cleaning. I find if I keep busy, something that involves moving around, I don’t notice the anxiety – it’s still there in the background, but I’m distracted from it.
I’m going to go shopping soon. I don’t really need anything desperately, but there are a few things I can get. It will provide more distraction.
I’m meeting a friend this evening for a meal. I’m looking forward to seeing her. But between now and then I have 8 hours to fill. When I feel like this I clock watch all day. Why do I find it so hard to be by myself?
My boyfriend was going to come and see me later. He’d forgotten about a social event that he is meant to be at this evening. He told me about it last week which was why I arranged to meet my friend. I wish I could have seen him – I’m missing him even though it’s only 2 days since he was here.
I hope one day I can put all this anxiety behind me. It’s exhausting.
I’m still battling on with my depression. I’m on my own this week and it’s so hard to keep fighting it completely on my own. But fight it I will.
I managed to go to a Pilates class this afternoon so I’m pleased with myself for that.
I’m feeling particularly down because I had a welfare visit from work last Friday and found out that I’ll only get full pay until mid-November, then half pay for 4 months, then nothing from March. In the meantime my dear soon to be ex husband is refusing to sell the family home to release the equity which would allow me to pay off my mortgage. I’ve seen him twice over the weekend. Seeing him in person has reinforced the fact that I made the right decision when I left him, so from that point of view it was useful. It’s reinforced the fact that he is a total arsehole. I’m just hoping that I don’t lose my house and end up having to live back with him.
He promised me yesterday that he would never let me lose my house. In that case why won’t he sell the big house? He says he can’t face selling the house and that it will be too stressful. It’s bloody stressful being off work with depression and thinking you’re going to lose your house matey!
I don’t know when this nightmare will ever end.
I have to remember that it’s ok to feel sad. It’s ok to feel lonely. These are normal feelings. I have to show compassion to myself. I am in a very stressful situation and I am still functioning – I should be proud of myself for that.
I’ve got to keep going. One thing I will always be is a mum to my girls. He can’t take that away from me.
My mood was getting better, then my youngest daughter went back to her dad’s for a week yesterday. Since then my mood has dipped yet again. I went for a run first thing with the dog, and managed 5.5 miles – the furthest I’ve run for months.
I decided to start some DIY when I got back to keep myself occupied so I didn’t ruminate too much. Everything was a disaster. After my shower this morning I noticed the silicon sealant needed replacing around the bath. So I went to the DIY shop and got all the stuff. Then when I removed the old sealant I noticed one of the tiles was loose, so what should have been a simple job has turned out to be far from simple.
So, I gave up with the bathroom and decided to paint the banister. I started painting and did quite a lot of painting until I finally decided the paint was totally the wrong shade of white. So, now I need to get more paint tomorrow which is nearer to the right colour, otherwise I’ll have to paint all of the woodwork in the house.
This afternoon I received an email from the pensions people – on a Sunday – to say that I hadn’t sent them a form PD1. I know I did send the form – more than 2 months ago. I’ve sent them two of the damn things, one in April and one in June.
After all of my DIY exploits going badly wrong, and the email about the CETV, I ended up sobbing my heart out – it was surprisingly cathartic.
I feel quite calm right now, calmer than I have felt all day.
I went to see the Psychiatrist today and after 14 years of living with Bipolar I he tells me I’ve got Bipolar II. Personally I don’t think I’m either – looking at the DSM criteria I’m in between the two. I have had 5 episodes of depression and in between I’ve possibly been hypomanic at times, but mostly euthymic (normal). I’ve had one episode of full blown mania that came on 10 days after starting Sertraline. I have also had at least 2 very short episodes of probable mania triggered by lack of sleep fixed by taking sufficient Olanzapine to correct my sleep pattern.
Anyway, the Psych wasn’t happy about me being on Fluoxetine, so I’m stopping that, I’m also weaning off Depakote. I’m continuing Olanzapine and starting Lamotrigine. Ho hum.
I’m not bothered about stopping Fluoxetine – my mood is very reactive, making me think I might even be experiencing a mixed episode, so antidepressants are risky. I’ll stick with Olanzapine for now.
Where does my marriage figure in all of this? Inevitably I’m questioning my experience of the past 23 years. Did the emotional abuse I experienced cause the Bipolar? It may have contributed, but I reckon I must have been predisposed to experiencing the drastic mood swings of Bipolar, and my latest episode was fairly predictable to have happened due to all the stress.
Did my Bipolar cause all the problems in our marriage? Was it all my fault? Did I leave because I was hypomanic? No, definitely not. I’d been thinking of leaving for years.
My husband and I both had psychological issues which we brought into the marriage. He blamed my mental health for everything that went wrong and had no insight into his own problems (and still doesn’t).
He had no trust for me or respect.
I think in truth our problems were caused by our incompatibility and there’s no point in me accepting all the responsibility for the death of our marriage. Neither is there any point in me thinking that going back to him will fix me.
I had 4 episodes of depression whilst I was with him and got myself better every time.
I kept myself busy today.
If I was my normal self today’s activities would have been easy, but in my depressed state everything required extra effort.
I dragged myself out of bed at 8am after lying listening to the radio for an hour – I was actively listening though and not dozing too much.
Then I dragged myself on a 20 minute dog walk and even went swimming before I had breakfast. I’m well proud of myself for that achievement – I swam my usual 50 lengths and even enjoyed it.
Then I walked to Costa to meet friends for coffee – a 15 minute walk each way. Some other friends came round to see me this afternoon.
By 6pm I was exhausted but still had to cook tea for one of my daughters who came round to check up on me, to have tea with me and watch some Netflix.
It’s been a good day.
It was hard to keep going but I’ve done it.
Onwards and upwards and all that.
Let’s see what tomorrow brings.