Everyone else has gone mad

It’s very strange to be an anxiety sufferer at the moment because basically EVERYONE is anxious so it’s the new normal.

I would never have thought that a pandemic would cure my anxiety but it appears to be doing so.

I think it is partly because as I have said above everyone else is anxious too. Also, the Covid-19 pandemic puts absolutely everything else going on in my life into perspective.

None of that divorce shit, or work-related stress matters anymore. The fact that I might die because of my job (I’m a doctor) makes me feel strangely calm. It might make no sense to anyone else but me, but basically for the past 2 years I have had continuous worries that one day I’ll become suicidal. It’s a frequent rumination of mine.

But now, because I am at risk of succumbing to Covid it’s taken those thoughts away.

Will I ever feel like me again?

There are so many reasons that I should be feeling happy right now, but instead I just feel significantly and incessantly anxious. I feel as though I am aware of every thought and feeling that I have and I’ve felt like this for months now. The only respite I have is when I’m distracted or asleep. When I’m by myself it is so much worse. I think that’s the main reason that I’m anxious about being by myself. Have I overdone the CBT and mindfulness?

I am still rehearsing in my head every single thing I do. It is exhausting.

I still have constant physical symptoms of anxiety – it alternates between a gnawing ache in my chest and a butterflies feeling in my lower abdomen.

I know the reason for it. It’s the ongoing stress from the divorce and the feeling that I am stuck and I just can’t move on.

The next milestone is family court on 14th January. In the meantime I have all the stress of Christmas.

Down in the doldrums

I’m not sure why I’m feeling down today. I think it might be my hormones. I keep getting a horrible low feeling that engulfs me and then the negative thoughts come. Then for a few moments I feel OK, then on and on it goes like rolling waves.

I have no real reason to feel down. Yes I’ve got the ongoing divorce stress but I feel like I’ve parked that for now.

The bank emailed me this afternoon to say that they have given me the money back that was fraudulently removed from my account. I don’t feel like celebrating – mainly because I don’t trust them not to take it back again.

I’m still seeing my new man and when I’m with him I feel great – I spent the last 4 days with him and now that he’s not here I feel overwhelmingly sad that he’s not with me . Is this why I feel low? Am I in withdrawal? Am I addicted to him? He’s still giving me mixed messages. He talks about things he’d like to do with me next year one minute, but then the next minute he makes me feel like our relationship is temporary. I’m so confused about him. Maybe I should have resisted his charm. Now I can’t imagine life without him.

I feel lost. I’m on my own in the house right now and everything is dark and quiet. I need to walk the dog but I can’t be bothered – I will force myself out for a walk with him though because I know it will make me feel better.

I just want to feel like myself again – confident, easy going, hopeful and happy. Where have I gone? I need to find myself again.

Anxiety

Oh, where do I start?

I am so anxious. I have constant physical symptoms – I feel it either in my abdomen as a churning feeling, or as a heavy feeling in my chest. There is no respite – it shifts from belly to chest incessantly. I don’t want to feel like this. I hate it.

I’m on my own today. I was hoping to meet my friends for coffee this morning – we meet every Wednesday – but today everyone’s busy so I’m at home – just me and my anxiety.

I’ve spent the last 2 hours tidying and cleaning. I find if I keep busy, something that involves moving around, I don’t notice the anxiety – it’s still there in the background, but I’m distracted from it.

I’m going to go shopping soon. I don’t really need anything desperately, but there are a few things I can get. It will provide more distraction.

I’m meeting a friend this evening for a meal. I’m looking forward to seeing her. But between now and then I have 8 hours to fill. When I feel like this I clock watch all day. Why do I find it so hard to be by myself?

My boyfriend was going to come and see me later. He’d forgotten about a social event that he is meant to be at this evening. He told me about it last week which was why I arranged to meet my friend. I wish I could have seen him – I’m missing him even though it’s only 2 days since he was here.

I hope one day I can put all this anxiety behind me. It’s exhausting.