Life goes on

Another Christmas, another New Year out of the way.

I took my girls away for a weekend at the beginning of December. That was our Christmas. It was a fabulous weekend and it snowed which made it magical.

Christmas Day was strange. My man was ill with a horrible virus so I didn’t see much of him all day. And he was soo grumpy when he did appear. So me and the dog partied by ourselves in the kitchen. My girls were at their dad’s. That’s become the routine for Christmas now. He’s on his own so they don’t want him to be by himself.

I cried a lot at the end of Christmas Day. Christmas makes me very emotional these days. It’s the memories of Christmasses past and the fact that I don’t see my girls.

I am very happy in my relationship with my partner now. We both have a lot of demons from our past but we talk very openly about everything. We’re living together permanently now. He’s very messy and he’s filled my house with all of his crap but it doesn’t bother me. Things and stuff don’t matter, it’s the people in your life that matter.

Right now I feel very content and hopeful for 2024. Even with all the shit going on in the world.

Scared

I’m hoping I haven’t jumped from the frying pan straight into the fire.

I’ve been with my current partner for 4 years now and so far we’ve got on really well and never argued.

Bit we’ve come away on holiday for 2 weeks and the stress of organising the holiday has brought out a side of him that I’ve only had glimpses of before.

He’s been offhand and patronising a couple of times this week and I’ve got upset. We were both hot, tired and probably dehydrated, so I excused his behaviour towards me.

We had a car booked today and when we got to the car hire place we were told we were late to collect it so it had been hired out to someone else. My partner completely lost it. He was shouting at the woman in the car hire place. I was so embarrassed I went outside because I didn’t want to be associated with his behaviour.

The whole thing massively ‘triggered’ me to the point that I was shaking and tearful. I suddenly felt that I’d landed myself with another angry man.

He’s never raised his voice at me but I felt like it’s just a matter of time before he loses it with me. He was gaslighting me when we talked about it later. He gave a completely different version of events.

#love #stress #gaslighting #relationships

Back to normal

Day 16 of Covid today.

Feeling more like myself. Started back running 3 days ago. I was still feeling a bit ill at the time, aching muscles and fatigued, but the sun was shining on Friday morning and I couldn’t help myself.

I don’t think I’ve ever enjoyed a run quite so much.

I’d convinced myself a week ago that I’d never run again. I’ve read so many stories from people with long covid who used to run and cycle but 2 years later they still can’t.

Obviously I might still relapse (apparently).

So many people have warned me not to overdo it, take it slowly.

But right now I’m loving being out in the open air running through fields and woods with my dog.

Covid monotony

Day 3 in the Covid house

Woke up full of the joys of spring. It lasted about 10 minutes. Had breakfast with my man. He’s living with me at the moment working from home recovering from an injury.

He’s working downstairs. I’m back in bed with the dog. Government guidance says I shouldn’t cuddle my dog. I don’t think I’ve given him Covid though and I’m going to keep cuddling my dog.

Brain fog is my main thing this morning. I keep finding myself just staring into space. Also I have an intermittent strong desire to lie down.

I think I maybe need more sleep. I’m so restless again today though. This isn’t me. I don’t lie around doing nothing.

What to do today?

Nothing again I guess.

Covid has got me

Managed to dodge Covid for 2 years despite definite big exposure way back at the start of the pandemic.

Triple vaxxed, booster was 6 months ago.

But I guess this is omicron.

Positive home test yesterday. Thought I had a cold so was surprised to get 2 lines. But with hindsight I’ve had it a few days.

On Friday at work I had to take my bra off because my ribcage was so uncomfortable. I had had a negative Lamp test at work the day before. But now I know that symptom was definitely the rona.

So today I’m day 2 of positiveness. Woke up feeling like crap. Aching all over. Coughing, snotty, palpitations. Chest still in a vice. Everything an effort. Can’t decide if I’m hungry or not. Feel very tired but also restless. My normal Sunday would include a 5 mile run.

At least it’s an absolutely beautiful day so I can sit in the garden and listen to the birds.

Managed to cut the lawn but then had to have a lie down and now can’t move.

Bored out of my mind.

Partner away for the weekend but coming back later. At least he doesn’t mind sharing my air even though I have the plague.

Everyone else has gone mad

It’s very strange to be an anxiety sufferer at the moment because basically EVERYONE is anxious so it’s the new normal.

I would never have thought that a pandemic would cure my anxiety but it appears to be doing so.

I think it is partly because as I have said above everyone else is anxious too. Also, the Covid-19 pandemic puts absolutely everything else going on in my life into perspective.

None of that divorce shit, or work-related stress matters anymore. The fact that I might die because of my job (I’m a doctor) makes me feel strangely calm. It might make no sense to anyone else but me, but basically for the past 2 years I have had continuous worries that one day I’ll become suicidal. It’s a frequent rumination of mine.

But now, because I am at risk of succumbing to Covid it’s taken those thoughts away.

My marriage is officially over

Today, at long last, I received my decree absolute, 2 years after I left my ex-husband.

I feel like celebrating one minute then I feel sad, I feel lost, then relieved, I feel scared, I feel free – I’m all over the place. I’ve spent 2 years waiting for this day and now that it’s here it feels like a huge anticlimax.

I have to remind myself that today is the last day of my marriage but the first day of my new life.

The death of my marriage at last

I’ve just got back from court.

My marriage is over.

I feel free. I feel like I want to tell the world.

My solicitor just rang to warn me that it’s absolutely normal to feel euphoric right now, but that my mood might crash in the next few days. At least I know.

I do feel very tired. The horrible churning of anxiety has gone. I felt it going as the proceedings went on this morning.

I know there’s still shit to get through. We have to sell the house. He has to sell the business. I’ll get half of both. I’ll get a lump sum from him in the next few days. He’ll get some of my pension (unless he dies in the next 4 months).

I’ve got closure. At last.

Will I ever feel like me again?

There are so many reasons that I should be feeling happy right now, but instead I just feel significantly and incessantly anxious. I feel as though I am aware of every thought and feeling that I have and I’ve felt like this for months now. The only respite I have is when I’m distracted or asleep. When I’m by myself it is so much worse. I think that’s the main reason that I’m anxious about being by myself. Have I overdone the CBT and mindfulness?

I am still rehearsing in my head every single thing I do. It is exhausting.

I still have constant physical symptoms of anxiety – it alternates between a gnawing ache in my chest and a butterflies feeling in my lower abdomen.

I know the reason for it. It’s the ongoing stress from the divorce and the feeling that I am stuck and I just can’t move on.

The next milestone is family court on 14th January. In the meantime I have all the stress of Christmas.

Down in the doldrums

I’m not sure why I’m feeling down today. I think it might be my hormones. I keep getting a horrible low feeling that engulfs me and then the negative thoughts come. Then for a few moments I feel OK, then on and on it goes like rolling waves.

I have no real reason to feel down. Yes I’ve got the ongoing divorce stress but I feel like I’ve parked that for now.

The bank emailed me this afternoon to say that they have given me the money back that was fraudulently removed from my account. I don’t feel like celebrating – mainly because I don’t trust them not to take it back again.

I’m still seeing my new man and when I’m with him I feel great – I spent the last 4 days with him and now that he’s not here I feel overwhelmingly sad that he’s not with me . Is this why I feel low? Am I in withdrawal? Am I addicted to him? He’s still giving me mixed messages. He talks about things he’d like to do with me next year one minute, but then the next minute he makes me feel like our relationship is temporary. I’m so confused about him. Maybe I should have resisted his charm. Now I can’t imagine life without him.

I feel lost. I’m on my own in the house right now and everything is dark and quiet. I need to walk the dog but I can’t be bothered – I will force myself out for a walk with him though because I know it will make me feel better.

I just want to feel like myself again – confident, easy going, hopeful and happy. Where have I gone? I need to find myself again.