Late Musings

So, basically for the 22 years of my sad excuse for a marriage I felt more anxious every time I was in the company of my husband and he felt less anxious whenever he could see me and he knew I wasn’t shagging someone else, except on the occasions that I disagreed with him about something – that would increase his anxiety. And on the times I came home late from work he wouldn’t be happy until he had sufficiently interrogated me as to why I was late. The horrible realisation that I have had over the past few days is that at the time I actually thought this was normal behaviour, that this is what men do. After speaking with many of my female friends over the past few days I am assured that this is not what all men do. It is the behaviour of emotionally immature insecure men.
Something which keeps happening at the moment is that I get a sudden urge to forgive him and I feel sorry for him. Then I have to remind myself of why I left and how worthless he made me feel. I have to remind myself that he said I wasn’t a normal human. And not even just that, but not a normal fucking human. In saying that he dehumanised me. He belittled me by about as much as it is possible to belittle someone. And I also have to remember that he always followed up his insults with an excuse that he ‘had never really meant it’, ‘it was just in the heat of the moment’ or because I had made him ‘frustrated’.
He has never taken ownership of things he has said. Apologies were shouted, or more recently never happened at all. I would be told that he had done nothing wrong. I make him angry and frustrated therefore if there is any blame to be had it lies with me.
In fact all the blame lies with me and my behaviour. He said so in the Divorce Prayer document. I’d stopped talking to him, I enjoyed myself with other people but not him. He actually put this in the paperwork – as if it was a crime to enjoy talking to other people. Also, apparently I avoided eye contact with him in public. Perhaps he should wonder why I was so unhappy that I couldn’t look him in the eye.

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