I’ve just got back from court.
My marriage is over.
I feel free. I feel like I want to tell the world.
My solicitor just rang to warn me that it’s absolutely normal to feel euphoric right now, but that my mood might crash in the next few days. At least I know.
I do feel very tired. The horrible churning of anxiety has gone. I felt it going as the proceedings went on this morning.
I know there’s still shit to get through. We have to sell the house. He has to sell the business. I’ll get half of both. I’ll get a lump sum from him in the next few days. He’ll get some of my pension (unless he dies in the next 4 months).
I’ve got closure. At last.
I’m not sure why I’m feeling down today. I think it might be my hormones. I keep getting a horrible low feeling that engulfs me and then the negative thoughts come. Then for a few moments I feel OK, then on and on it goes like rolling waves.
I have no real reason to feel down. Yes I’ve got the ongoing divorce stress but I feel like I’ve parked that for now.
The bank emailed me this afternoon to say that they have given me the money back that was fraudulently removed from my account. I don’t feel like celebrating – mainly because I don’t trust them not to take it back again.
I’m still seeing my new man and when I’m with him I feel great – I spent the last 4 days with him and now that he’s not here I feel overwhelmingly sad that he’s not with me . Is this why I feel low? Am I in withdrawal? Am I addicted to him? He’s still giving me mixed messages. He talks about things he’d like to do with me next year one minute, but then the next minute he makes me feel like our relationship is temporary. I’m so confused about him. Maybe I should have resisted his charm. Now I can’t imagine life without him.
I feel lost. I’m on my own in the house right now and everything is dark and quiet. I need to walk the dog but I can’t be bothered – I will force myself out for a walk with him though because I know it will make me feel better.
I just want to feel like myself again – confident, easy going, hopeful and happy. Where have I gone? I need to find myself again.
Sometimes it can feel like the whole world is against you. It certainly feels like it for me at the moment.
As well as all of the divorce stress, in the past few months I have been a victim of identity theft and have lost almost £2,700. I am stuck in a situation where HSBC and PayPal both say it’s the other one’s responsibility to pay me the money back. I am probably going to have to involve the Financial Ombudsman. I could really do with the money at the moment with the huge bills I have to pay every month to my solicitor.
Also I crashed my car into my gate 2 weeks ago and wrecked the rear wheel arch. It’s in the garage being repaired. It is the 5th time I have damaged my car in my drive over the past 2 years. I joked with the owner of the garage that they should give me a loyalty card. Again, I could really do with money to pay for the repair.
With all the crap going on in my life I must keep reminding myself of the good things.
So, here are some of the good things in no particular order: –
My children and grandchildren
My car (!)
A run with friends
A run on my own
Swimming at the local pool
My garden and the little birds who visit it
Walks with my dog, walking through fields and woodland
The smell of freshly washed bed linen
Good food and wine
Bingeworthy box sets
A good book
A hot cup of coffee
When it’s raining look for rainbows.
I’m doing ok. I’ve got a meeting with one of my managers tomorrow to discuss returning to work.
I can’t imagine being back at work. Even the drive to work every day seems daunting.
I have to do it though. I have to pay my mortgage. If my ex would agree to sell the house I would have no mortgage. It all seems so unfair.
So, next week I’ll be back at work. Back on the horse.
I’m having a bad time with my feelings of loneliness this week. I’ve had a busy weekend. I went for an 11.5 mile run yesterday with friends. Then in the evening I went out for a meal with new friends that I’ve met through the meetup app. Today I’ve been on a 9 mile walk with a walking group I’ve joined through meetup.
But even when I’m surrounded by lovely interesting people I still feel lonely. I have a constant ache in my chest and abdomen. I guess it’s a feeling of grief/loss. I so much want to feel happy on my own. One thing which has struck me is the feeling that I need to share my life with others – that’s what I really miss. There is no-one here to tell things to – someone to talk to about what I’ve done with my day. It’s almost like I feel that I don’t even exist if I can’t tell someone else what I’ve been doing. It is so weird – I don’t want to feel like this but I just can’t shake it off.
People keep telling me that time does heal and it will get easier.
I hope so.
I’ve been on my own today, alone with my thoughts. I’ve been baking Christmas cakes, mince pies and Christmas puddings. Inevitably this has reminded me of Christmases past. There were some happy times at Christmas over the years, but mostly this time of the year just caused stress and more arguments than usual.
I have to remind myself of last Christmas which was the worst of all. I spent most of the day in tears.
This year I’m going to my oldest daughter’s house for Christmas Eve until Boxing Day. I’m looking forward to it, but mostly I’ll just be really relieved when it’s all over.
I’m still depressed and I’m feeling very very lonely. I’m not sure if the loneliness caused my depression or the depression is making me lonely. Probably both.
I’m so bored as well. I’ve been off work for 7 weeks now. I’ve got very little to do during the day and my boredom compounds my loneliness. I’m in a never-ending cycle of nothingness and solitude. I’ve taken to doing colouring and painting by numbers but it doesn’t feel like much of an achievement when I complete a page of my colouring book. I can just about concentrate to read and I’m going through a fair number of books. I’m reading one at the moment written by a woman who was emotionally and physically abused – I read half of it yesterday.
Next week I’ve decided to go to my mum’s to stay. I’m hoping that if I am in company continually for the next few weeks that my mood will lift and I’ll hopefully be able to sustain any improvement – whenever people are around me my mood does lift, then at the moment it plummets as soon as I am alone. I had no issue about being on my own before the depression started.
My youngest daughter is with me this week, but she’s at school during the day. I’m dragging myself to pilates and yoga classes, but I really am having to drag myself. I’ve got the dog this week so I have to walk him twice a day. I’ve just been on a dog walk – I really didn’t want to go but I made myself and I actually enjoyed it despite my paranoia and agoraphobia – I have to remember that I enjoyed it for future reference.
I am fighting this depression as hard as I can. I’m making myself do the opposite of what I feel like doing. Most of the time I’d much rather lie in bed than do anything. I’m not letting myself lie in bed.
I have an intrusive rumination at the moment – my husband is refusing to sell the marital home and I’m worried that I’ll lose my house because I won’t be able to pay my mortgage. In my logical head I know that I have savings that I can dip into if I need to which should keep me afloat for at least a year – my anxiety is exacerbating the depression and my pay running out will become a self fulfilling prophecy if I’m not careful. I get full pay until November, then half pay until March. I keep going over and over it in my head. It’s wearing me out.
I hate depression. 3 months ago my life seemed normal – I could go food shopping without even thinking about it. I could drive for hundreds of miles by myself without a care. Now I have to think through every stage of any task and it feels like climbing a massive mountain. I can’t go shopping without severe anxiety beforehand or drive more than a couple of miles without feeling panicky and wanting to return home.
I have had these feelings before. My last depression was 8 years ago and I did get better. I know it’s possible and that I mustn’t give up.
This beautiful rainbow just appeared outside while I was writing.
When it’s raining look for rainbows.