Life goes on

Another Christmas, another New Year out of the way.

I took my girls away for a weekend at the beginning of December. That was our Christmas. It was a fabulous weekend and it snowed which made it magical.

Christmas Day was strange. My man was ill with a horrible virus so I didn’t see much of him all day. And he was soo grumpy when he did appear. So me and the dog partied by ourselves in the kitchen. My girls were at their dad’s. That’s become the routine for Christmas now. He’s on his own so they don’t want him to be by himself.

I cried a lot at the end of Christmas Day. Christmas makes me very emotional these days. It’s the memories of Christmasses past and the fact that I don’t see my girls.

I am very happy in my relationship with my partner now. We both have a lot of demons from our past but we talk very openly about everything. We’re living together permanently now. He’s very messy and he’s filled my house with all of his crap but it doesn’t bother me. Things and stuff don’t matter, it’s the people in your life that matter.

Right now I feel very content and hopeful for 2024. Even with all the shit going on in the world.

New Year’s Eve part 2

New Year’s bloody Eve.

Bloody New Year’s Eve.

It’s nearly over and I’ve managed to survive it. On my own, with the dog. I’ve had to drug him so the fireworks won’t distress him – we got some medication from the vet so he’s really chilled.

Today hasn’t been easy. I’ve cried twice – proper sobbing from deep inside. But I have got through it.

I made myself a delicious tea – homemade nut roast for one, roast potatoes and broccoli in cheese sauce. It was lovely. Then I had Christmas pudding for dessert, followed by chocolate truffles and Bailey’s. I watched 2 films on Netflix – the second one was about learning to love being single. It’s just what I needed.

I am going to be ok. I will get through this.

Right now I’m determined to get to sleep before the fireworks begin.

Happy New Year.

New Year’s Eve

I have been feeling quite well for the past few weeks and then today my mood has plummeted. The cause is the fact that it’s New Year’s Eve and I’m on my own. I went running with 38 other people this morning – my running friends most of whom I know well, but even though I was surrounded by people I knew, I was feeling alone. I burst into tears on the way home. I feel so sorry for myself that I am spending New Year’s Eve alone with just the dog and Netflix for company.

I don’t know why I’m so sad about it. It’s not as if last New Year was any fun. The whole of last December and most of January was crap.

I think the trouble is that we are led, especially by advertisers, to believe that Christmas and New Year are such a happy time with everyone else having great fun. I know I’m not the only one feeling sad and lonely. Just look at any dating app for confirmation of that.

Talking of dating, I dipped my toe into the game of online dating and went on my first date yesterday. What a complete disaster that was. The guy admitted his profile picture was 4 years old – he looked nothing like it – and in real life he was fat and scruffy. As soon as I laid eyes on him I wanted to run in the other direction and I spent the 2 hours we chatted planning how I would let him down gently and then run away. I suppose I should just put it down to experience, but I know that part of the reason I’m feeling low today is because of the nightmare date yesterday. It has made me realise that I will probably never meet Mr Perfect. The rational part of me knows full well that I cannot ever rely on any other person to make me happy. I need to learn to be on my own.

I am going to try my hardest to enjoy my New Year’s Eve solo night in, with my dog, a box of chocolates & Netflix. If I need to cry I will cry. And I will raise a toast to the end of 2018. My annus horribilis.

Next year can’t possibly be worse.