Down in the doldrums

I’m not sure why I’m feeling down today. I think it might be my hormones. I keep getting a horrible low feeling that engulfs me and then the negative thoughts come. Then for a few moments I feel OK, then on and on it goes like rolling waves.

I have no real reason to feel down. Yes I’ve got the ongoing divorce stress but I feel like I’ve parked that for now.

The bank emailed me this afternoon to say that they have given me the money back that was fraudulently removed from my account. I don’t feel like celebrating – mainly because I don’t trust them not to take it back again.

I’m still seeing my new man and when I’m with him I feel great – I spent the last 4 days with him and now that he’s not here I feel overwhelmingly sad that he’s not with me . Is this why I feel low? Am I in withdrawal? Am I addicted to him? He’s still giving me mixed messages. He talks about things he’d like to do with me next year one minute, but then the next minute he makes me feel like our relationship is temporary. I’m so confused about him. Maybe I should have resisted his charm. Now I can’t imagine life without him.

I feel lost. I’m on my own in the house right now and everything is dark and quiet. I need to walk the dog but I can’t be bothered – I will force myself out for a walk with him though because I know it will make me feel better.

I just want to feel like myself again – confident, easy going, hopeful and happy. Where have I gone? I need to find myself again.

I need to start liking myself

I came back home to my house yesterday evening when it dawned on me that I have to get used to being on my own. I have to start liking myself. I have to trust myself. I have to look in the mirror and like what I see. I have to feel happy in my own skin. Only then can I move on. Only then will I get better.

I think the big dip in my mood had been caused by my hormones. I’d been having hot flushes for a few days and my sleep was disturbed. I started my period yesterday evening, my mood lifted and straight away I felt I needed to go home, so I’ve decided I’m going to try HRT – I’ve made an appt with the doctor. Perimenopause, PMS and bipolar are a bad combination. Lucky me.