Up and down

I feel so peculiar this week. My thoughts are screaming inside my head – ruminations going round and round and getting nowhere. I go from feeling hopeful and excited for my future to feeling hopeless. Most of the time I’m just about managing to keep my head above water so I don’t drown.

My youngest daughter is with her dad this week and I’m missing her like crazy.

But I’ve got lots of stuff planned with my new friends on Thursday and my 20 year old daughter is coming to see me on Wednesday.

I’ve spoken to so many women who tell me it’s normal to feel like this and that it gets better with time.

I’m just impatient. I want to feel better.

I got a letter from my divorce solicitor yesterday that made me upset – she’s sent me a letter to chase up where I’m up to with my cash equivalent transfer value statement for my pension. The pension people have told me it’ll be about another 2 weeks before I get it. I don’t want to reply to my solicitor just to tell her that I haven’t got anything for her yet because she’ll charge me just under 20 quid for the privilege of replying to her. I wonder how it feels to exploit other people’s misery for money.

I feel like I’m in limbo. I can’t move on with my life. Every so often I fantasise about dating but if I do I’ll have to keep it secret from my kids and my ex – if he found out he’d see it as the ultimate proof of what he’d always suspected me of. I’m not sure my kids are ready for anyone new in their lives, especially my youngest. I’m not sure I’m ready.

I don’t feel I can get involved with anyone else yet. I still feel loyalty towards my ex – why? I have no idea. I owe him nothing. I told my therapist last week that I feel like when I left him six months ago, after 24hrs or so it felt like I’d left a hostage situation. I feel like I should have been welcomed by friends and family with a blanket placed round my shoulders. But no-one knew what I’d been through – I’d hidden it so well for so many years. Let’s face it, I’d even hidden it from myself. No wonder it’s taking me so long to unravel it all.

Stuck in a rut

I’ve been struggling with intrusive thoughts about my ex – feeling low and crazily thinking that if I just begged him to have me back that would fix everything. Obviously my logical head knows this is completely barmy thinking. I realise I’m going through a bereavement process and I desperately need to move on to acceptance.

I’d noticed that when I think of bad memories of our time together it makes me feel better about the now – less anxious and lonely.

I came across some research from the University of Ohio which supports this – see screenshot of the final paragraph below. So, I think I have to think about my relationship with him in a negatively valenced way, presumably as frequently as possible, and my brain will adjust.

I have to keep reminding myself of the bad times, preferably several times a day.

I have to remember the awful trip to the beach with our children and grandchildren, my nephew’s wedding, my 50th birthday, Christmas Day, the day he got so drunk years ago when he fell on the way home from our friends’ house in front of his small children and then pulled the curtain rail down in the bedroom, my daughter’s graduation, all the times he called me a child, a baby, pathetic, all the really hurtful things he said over the years, the number of times I cried and cried uncontrollably. The times he threw things and broke things, the way he made out it was my fault he did those things because I made him feel frustrated. The times he shouted that I was a fucking bitch, and that final insult – not a fucking normal human.

I never used to cry before I met him. I was a happy person. I was outgoing.

He does not deserve my guilt about leaving or my pity. I am worth more than this.

New horizons

I’ve been getting feelings of emptiness and loneliness for the past few weeks now, so rather than feeling sorry for myself I’ve done something about it. I reached out to a friend who separated from her husband a few years ago and we went out for supper.

I told her about an idea I’d had to set up a local social group for single people and she thought it was a great idea.

So, I’ve started by messaging all the

Facebook friends that I know who are single to invite them to join. I’ve had 2 replies. So our new group has been born – just 4 of us so far. It’s a start.

Loneliness

4 months ago today I walked out on my husband. I know it was the right thing to do, but it has not been easy.

Over the past few weeks I have been feeling increasingly lonely and I’m craving for an intimacy that I never even had.

I’m craving for someone to share my day with, someone to confide in. My husband never was that someone. It isn’t him that I miss, but the dream of what I wished he had been.

He never did listen to me. I remember once when we’d only been together for a short time he joked that I was just background noise; that should have been a warning.

Over the last few years of our pointless marriage he didn’t listen to me at all. Also there was no respect and there was no trust.

I’m writing this blog to remind me why I left. When you feel alone, and lonely, it is tempting to think that maybe you could go back. Maybe things would be better. Maybe it’s better the devil you know.

No way. No bastard way. I’ve already wasted almost half my life with the wrong man. He is one leopard that will never change his spots.

Maybe it’s time I started looking for other fish in the big wide sea.