Showing his true colours

Just when I was feeling sorry for my ex and having pangs of regret he came up trumps with just what I needed to confirm what a low life he is.

My youngest came to my house tonight and was made to be the go-between to inform me that he is taking them all to Italy for 4 days in August.

I was very upset. It will be the first time they all go away without me. He’s deliberately done it without discussing it with me to upset me.

He is a complete shit.

I will rise above it.

Wedding day blues

I wasn’t going to watch the Royal Wedding because any reference to weddings or happy marriages is so painful for me right now.

But I am watching it. I burst out crying as Meghan Markle walked down the aisle. All I can think is good luck to them. Those tears were actually quite cathartic for me.

My wedding day was a happy day, but I got married on antidepressants so maybe that’s why.

I wonder how Harry’s dad feels today. His first marriage didn’t quite work out now did it.

I don’t think I will ever get married again.

Back to work

I went back to work today. It was an important milestone for me. I feel so much better. The last 2 weeks have been very hard – probably the hardest 2 weeks since I left my husband 4 months ago.

But I can see a positive future now. I am going to get through this. I AM getting through this. I have been doing a lot of meditation which has really helped.

I will survive, and thrive.

Freedom

It made me smile today when I noticed my ironing board in the garage. I bought it, brand new, 2 months ago, and it’s still in the plastic wrapping that it came in.

Before I met my husband I rarely ironed anything, and then within a few months of being together I had somehow been hoodwinked into a thankless routine of ironing a pile of clothes every 2-3 days. He soon realised I was pretty crap at ironing trousers so he continued to do those himself, but I became tricked into taking on the traditional female role of ironing his shirts, at least 6 of the damn things every week.

I have taken a photo of my lovely ironing board, still in its wrapper. It is a symbol of my freedom.

Trying to Understand

I’ve been trying to get inside my husband’s head (figuratively speaking), to understand what makes him tick and why he behaves like he does. I also want to know how I’ll be able to tell when I’m completely safe again.

I just read this from a blog post from an ex-abuser: https://positivejuice.wordpress.com/2011/10/24/an-anonymous-open-letter-to-people-in-abusive-relationships-who-want-to-stay-in-the-relationship-despite-the-abuse/#comment-1170
“How to tell if the abuse is really finished?
When you are able to tell your partner anything, and s/he simply accepts – even if s/he’s troubled about it. No raising the voice, no emotional manipulation, no retaliatory actions, no stalking, no blaming you for anything. That’s how you know.
When you’re no longer afraid to express yourself with your partner, in any way. When for example you can call your partner a jerk and s/he doesn’t jump. THAT is what it will take. That’s how you know.
When you don’t feel obligated or beholden anymore to your partner’s wishes. That’s how you know.
And if it sounds like your partner has a long way to go to get there with you, well, now you know why people say it’s pretty much impossible. Abusive people don’t just “stop abusing.” They have to change completely. They have to go through a transformation in which they completely leave behind many of the core values they had before, values that make it ok in their mind to act abusive.”
I hope my husband is getting help.