I’ve been trying to get inside my husband’s head (figuratively speaking), to understand what makes him tick and why he behaves like he does. I also want to know how I’ll be able to tell when I’m completely safe again.
I just read this from a blog post from an ex-abuser: https://positivejuice.wordpress.com/2011/10/24/an-anonymous-open-letter-to-people-in-abusive-relationships-who-want-to-stay-in-the-relationship-despite-the-abuse/#comment-1170
“How to tell if the abuse is really finished?
When you are able to tell your partner anything, and s/he simply accepts – even if s/he’s troubled about it. No raising the voice, no emotional manipulation, no retaliatory actions, no stalking, no blaming you for anything. That’s how you know.
When you’re no longer afraid to express yourself with your partner, in any way. When for example you can call your partner a jerk and s/he doesn’t jump. THAT is what it will take. That’s how you know.
When you don’t feel obligated or beholden anymore to your partner’s wishes. That’s how you know.
And if it sounds like your partner has a long way to go to get there with you, well, now you know why people say it’s pretty much impossible. Abusive people don’t just “stop abusing.” They have to change completely. They have to go through a transformation in which they completely leave behind many of the core values they had before, values that make it ok in their mind to act abusive.”
I hope my husband is getting help.