Tag: divorce

Slowly getting used to my new life

It’s dawned on me that the one thing I can’t get used to in the new version of my life is how simple my life has become.

Most days I get up, get dressed, get just my own breakfast, read my own newspaper and go to work. I rarely have to go and do a big supermarket shop. I can do what I want when I want.

It’s totally alien to me.

For the last 23 years I have been putting other people first, mostly my ex. His needs trumped everyone else’s.

I had a bit of a wobble at work today. I burst out crying when talking to 2 of my colleagues about the past 5 months but I’ve been ok since.

This afternoon I came home and put up a curtain rail and curtains all by myself. I’m pretty damned proud of myself too.

I’m going out for tea with friends this evening. Because I can.

Rocky road

I never expected this to be easy, but I didn’t expect it to be quite so hard.

My thoughts are dominated by my ex. I want to just forget about him, at least for a few minutes each day. But he’s been there if not in the front of my mind, then at the back at least, for most of my waking hours over the past few days.

I want to get to the point where I feel no love and no hate for him. Just nothing. At the moment hate is the prevailing emotion. I’m frustrated with him that he’s still living in the marital home. It must be nice having no mortgage and being able to afford a foreign trip with your 3 children without their mother. Bitter, moi? Yes, I’m bloody bitter. I’m furious. I’m livid.

But I need to switch off these emotions because right now I’m letting him win. I’m worth more than this.

I need to feel nothing towards him. Like a plant.

Showing his true colours

Just when I was feeling sorry for my ex and having pangs of regret he came up trumps with just what I needed to confirm what a low life he is.

My youngest came to my house tonight and was made to be the go-between to inform me that he is taking them all to Italy for 4 days in August.

I was very upset. It will be the first time they all go away without me. He’s deliberately done it without discussing it with me to upset me.

He is a complete shit.

I will rise above it.

All at sea

My emotions are all over the place at the moment.

My youngest daughter decided to do alternate weeks with me and her dad. Which is fine. I wanted her to make her own decision about what to do. But this week she’s off school and I’m off work today, so I’m frustrated by how she’s compartmentalizing me. Why couldn’t we have spent the day together? I know I’m being selfish even thinking this. I’m the adult. I have to get over my aching loneliness myself. I can’t rely on my child to save me from my despair. But, as much as I know this, it’s still very hard.

Today I changed back to my maiden name – my name – on all my social media accounts and email accounts. Something I’d been putting off. But it’s done. I feel relieved.

I’ve just been up to the shop and stopped to get some grass for my guinea pigs – I got my little piggies because I needed something to mother. There was such a gaping hole in my life.

On the way back I came in through the side gate into the back garden and noticed the smell from a climbing rose by the gate that I’d never even noticed was there before. Its flowers smell absolutely divine and it lifted my spirits.

Off to see my therapist now. Let’s see what he makes of my ramblings.