Author: thisismeagainnow

I am on a journey to leave all my negative past behind

Time to move on

I recently left a long abusive toxic relationship and I have started on the journey to rebuilding my life. Writing about it helps. My soon-to-be ex-husband has Othello Syndrome.

I now know that it’s time to move on and leave all that behind.

I hope in time that my husband will find peace and realise that he won’t die without me.

Trying to Understand

I’ve been trying to get inside my husband’s head (figuratively speaking), to understand what makes him tick and why he behaves like he does. I also want to know how I’ll be able to tell when I’m completely safe again.

I just read this from a blog post from an ex-abuser: https://positivejuice.wordpress.com/2011/10/24/an-anonymous-open-letter-to-people-in-abusive-relationships-who-want-to-stay-in-the-relationship-despite-the-abuse/#comment-1170
“How to tell if the abuse is really finished?
When you are able to tell your partner anything, and s/he simply accepts – even if s/he’s troubled about it. No raising the voice, no emotional manipulation, no retaliatory actions, no stalking, no blaming you for anything. That’s how you know.
When you’re no longer afraid to express yourself with your partner, in any way. When for example you can call your partner a jerk and s/he doesn’t jump. THAT is what it will take. That’s how you know.
When you don’t feel obligated or beholden anymore to your partner’s wishes. That’s how you know.
And if it sounds like your partner has a long way to go to get there with you, well, now you know why people say it’s pretty much impossible. Abusive people don’t just “stop abusing.” They have to change completely. They have to go through a transformation in which they completely leave behind many of the core values they had before, values that make it ok in their mind to act abusive.”
I hope my husband is getting help.

Survival

The last 23 years have been about survival. I remember right at the beginning of our relationship being on holiday and feeling an overwhelming sense of being trapped. When I suffered my 3rd and worst episode of postnatal mental illness I took up running. Running gave me freedom. I could literally run away from my husband and I did on at least 2 occasions. I’m faster than him.running-runner-long-distance-fitness-40751.jpeg

Just for the record

Here are the dates that I have had unwanted contact from my soon-to-be ex-husband since I left him: –
Tuesday 27th February 2018 – sent me a photo of a packet of unused condoms he’d found in a drawer that was proof I’d been having an affair for the past 22 years. When I failed to respond phoned me repeatedly and then demanded to know why I was ignoring him.
Wednesday 7th March 2018 – turned up unannounced at my mum’s house and appeared in my bedroom as I was getting ready to go out because he was worried there was something wrong with his heart. Got very upset when I suggested he should go to A&E
Saturday 19th March 2018 – turned up at my mum’s house looking for me. When I wasn’t there he asked my mum if he could wait there until I got back. My mum told him I’d gone shopping and she didn’t want to get involved so he left. He then phoned me at 9pm when I was in the car driving home from Sainsbury’s demanding to know where I was.
Tuesday 17th April 2018 – 5 missed calls on my phones – 4 on my personal mobile, one on my work mobile. Then sent me a text saying ‘why won’t you speak to me? I’m still your husband’. When I phoned back he said he’d seen me with someone else in the passenger seat of my car at 8.05am. I said it wasn’t possible since I was on the motorway at that time.
Sunday 22nd April 2018 – phoned my mobile in the morning. I blocked his call. He rang my daughter (who was with me) and I asked her to tell him I didn’t want to speak to him.