Author: thisismeagainnow

I am on a journey to leave all my negative past behind

Slowly getting used to my new life

It’s dawned on me that the one thing I can’t get used to in the new version of my life is how simple my life has become.

Most days I get up, get dressed, get just my own breakfast, read my own newspaper and go to work. I rarely have to go and do a big supermarket shop. I can do what I want when I want.

It’s totally alien to me.

For the last 23 years I have been putting other people first, mostly my ex. His needs trumped everyone else’s.

I had a bit of a wobble at work today. I burst out crying when talking to 2 of my colleagues about the past 5 months but I’ve been ok since.

This afternoon I came home and put up a curtain rail and curtains all by myself. I’m pretty damned proud of myself too.

I’m going out for tea with friends this evening. Because I can.

Stuck in a rut

I’ve been struggling with intrusive thoughts about my ex – feeling low and crazily thinking that if I just begged him to have me back that would fix everything. Obviously my logical head knows this is completely barmy thinking. I realise I’m going through a bereavement process and I desperately need to move on to acceptance.

I’d noticed that when I think of bad memories of our time together it makes me feel better about the now – less anxious and lonely.

I came across some research from the University of Ohio which supports this – see screenshot of the final paragraph below. So, I think I have to think about my relationship with him in a negatively valenced way, presumably as frequently as possible, and my brain will adjust.

I have to keep reminding myself of the bad times, preferably several times a day.

I have to remember the awful trip to the beach with our children and grandchildren, my nephew’s wedding, my 50th birthday, Christmas Day, the day he got so drunk years ago when he fell on the way home from our friends’ house in front of his small children and then pulled the curtain rail down in the bedroom, my daughter’s graduation, all the times he called me a child, a baby, pathetic, all the really hurtful things he said over the years, the number of times I cried and cried uncontrollably. The times he threw things and broke things, the way he made out it was my fault he did those things because I made him feel frustrated. The times he shouted that I was a fucking bitch, and that final insult – not a fucking normal human.

I never used to cry before I met him. I was a happy person. I was outgoing.

He does not deserve my guilt about leaving or my pity. I am worth more than this.

This girl can

Today I did something I feel proud of, something that was difficult.

I drove 100 miles, ran a tough 16 mile trail race and drove home again.

I’ve done that sort of thing plenty of times before, but the difference this time was that I did it completely on my own. I didn’t know anyone else who was running, I came home to an empty house.

I feel proud of myself.

If I can conquer mountains by myself I can do anything.

Rocky road

I never expected this to be easy, but I didn’t expect it to be quite so hard.

My thoughts are dominated by my ex. I want to just forget about him, at least for a few minutes each day. But he’s been there if not in the front of my mind, then at the back at least, for most of my waking hours over the past few days.

I want to get to the point where I feel no love and no hate for him. Just nothing. At the moment hate is the prevailing emotion. I’m frustrated with him that he’s still living in the marital home. It must be nice having no mortgage and being able to afford a foreign trip with your 3 children without their mother. Bitter, moi? Yes, I’m bloody bitter. I’m furious. I’m livid.

But I need to switch off these emotions because right now I’m letting him win. I’m worth more than this.

I need to feel nothing towards him. Like a plant.

Showing his true colours

Just when I was feeling sorry for my ex and having pangs of regret he came up trumps with just what I needed to confirm what a low life he is.

My youngest came to my house tonight and was made to be the go-between to inform me that he is taking them all to Italy for 4 days in August.

I was very upset. It will be the first time they all go away without me. He’s deliberately done it without discussing it with me to upset me.

He is a complete shit.

I will rise above it.

A letter to my 15 year old self

Today’s therapy session was hard. I cried a lot. We covered a lot of ground.

I talked about when I was bullied at the age of 15 and I realised that I have never got over it. One of my best friends stopped talking to me for several weeks, and made everyone else stop talking to me too. For weeks no-one spoke to me at school. Then one day they all just started talking to me again and I never found out what it had all been about. To this day I have no idea.

I think that’s why I am so afraid of being alone and lonely and I’ve surrounded myself with people. I’ve realised I’m actually scared of myself. It’s time I showed compassion to my 15 year old self. It’s time to forgive myself.

To my 15 year old self: –

It was not your fault

You were bullied

You can never blame yourself for what happened

You are beautiful and strong

All at sea

My emotions are all over the place at the moment.

My youngest daughter decided to do alternate weeks with me and her dad. Which is fine. I wanted her to make her own decision about what to do. But this week she’s off school and I’m off work today, so I’m frustrated by how she’s compartmentalizing me. Why couldn’t we have spent the day together? I know I’m being selfish even thinking this. I’m the adult. I have to get over my aching loneliness myself. I can’t rely on my child to save me from my despair. But, as much as I know this, it’s still very hard.

Today I changed back to my maiden name – my name – on all my social media accounts and email accounts. Something I’d been putting off. But it’s done. I feel relieved.

I’ve just been up to the shop and stopped to get some grass for my guinea pigs – I got my little piggies because I needed something to mother. There was such a gaping hole in my life.

On the way back I came in through the side gate into the back garden and noticed the smell from a climbing rose by the gate that I’d never even noticed was there before. Its flowers smell absolutely divine and it lifted my spirits.

Off to see my therapist now. Let’s see what he makes of my ramblings.

New horizons

I’ve been getting feelings of emptiness and loneliness for the past few weeks now, so rather than feeling sorry for myself I’ve done something about it. I reached out to a friend who separated from her husband a few years ago and we went out for supper.

I told her about an idea I’d had to set up a local social group for single people and she thought it was a great idea.

So, I’ve started by messaging all the

Facebook friends that I know who are single to invite them to join. I’ve had 2 replies. So our new group has been born – just 4 of us so far. It’s a start.