It’s been a hard few days

Yesterday I was admitted for respite to give my family a break.

My mood is very low and I barely had the energy to move. I’m in a lovely place where I feel safe and cared for. It’s only very temporary – I’m only here for a few days. We have regular group therapy sessions which helps to pass the time and is a good distraction from the negative thought soup going on in my head.

I’m encouraged to be active whilst here. I even managed a run this morning which is an improvement on sitting on the sofa for most of the previous 2 days.

I’m finding it so hard to fight this depression. Even writing that has brought a wave of negativity to my brain – I feel it right in my lower abdomen – like a thousand butterflies. So unpleasant.

God, I hate depression.

All at sea

My emotions are all over the place at the moment.

My youngest daughter decided to do alternate weeks with me and her dad. Which is fine. I wanted her to make her own decision about what to do. But this week she’s off school and I’m off work today, so I’m frustrated by how she’s compartmentalizing me. Why couldn’t we have spent the day together? I know I’m being selfish even thinking this. I’m the adult. I have to get over my aching loneliness myself. I can’t rely on my child to save me from my despair. But, as much as I know this, it’s still very hard.

Today I changed back to my maiden name – my name – on all my social media accounts and email accounts. Something I’d been putting off. But it’s done. I feel relieved.

I’ve just been up to the shop and stopped to get some grass for my guinea pigs – I got my little piggies because I needed something to mother. There was such a gaping hole in my life.

On the way back I came in through the side gate into the back garden and noticed the smell from a climbing rose by the gate that I’d never even noticed was there before. Its flowers smell absolutely divine and it lifted my spirits.

Off to see my therapist now. Let’s see what he makes of my ramblings.