Today, at long last, I received my decree absolute, 2 years after I left my ex-husband.
I feel like celebrating one minute then I feel sad, I feel lost, then relieved, I feel scared, I feel free – I’m all over the place. I’ve spent 2 years waiting for this day and now that it’s here it feels like a huge anticlimax.
I have to remind myself that today is the last day of my marriage but the first day of my new life.
I feel free. I feel like I want to tell the world.
My solicitor just rang to warn me that it’s absolutely normal to feel euphoric right now, but that my mood might crash in the next few days. At least I know.
I do feel very tired. The horrible churning of anxiety has gone. I felt it going as the proceedings went on this morning.
I know there’s still shit to get through. We have to sell the house. He has to sell the business. I’ll get half of both. I’ll get a lump sum from him in the next few days. He’ll get some of my pension (unless he dies in the next 4 months).
I’ve been struggling with intrusive thoughts about my ex – feeling low and crazily thinking that if I just begged him to have me back that would fix everything. Obviously my logical head knows this is completely barmy thinking. I realise I’m going through a bereavement process and I desperately need to move on to acceptance.
I’d noticed that when I think of bad memories of our time together it makes me feel better about the now – less anxious and lonely.
I came across some research from the University of Ohio which supports this – see screenshot of the final paragraph below. So, I think I have to think about my relationship with him in a negatively valenced way, presumably as frequently as possible, and my brain will adjust.
I have to keep reminding myself of the bad times, preferably several times a day.
I have to remember the awful trip to the beach with our children and grandchildren, my nephew’s wedding, my 50th birthday, Christmas Day, the day he got so drunk years ago when he fell on the way home from our friends’ house in front of his small children and then pulled the curtain rail down in the bedroom, my daughter’s graduation, all the times he called me a child, a baby, pathetic, all the really hurtful things he said over the years, the number of times I cried and cried uncontrollably. The times he threw things and broke things, the way he made out it was my fault he did those things because I made him feel frustrated. The times he shouted that I was a fucking bitch, and that final insult – not a fucking normal human.
I never used to cry before I met him. I was a happy person. I was outgoing.
He does not deserve my guilt about leaving or my pity. I am worth more than this.