Today I did something I feel proud of, something that was difficult.
I drove 100 miles, ran a tough 16 mile trail race and drove home again.
I’ve done that sort of thing plenty of times before, but the difference this time was that I did it completely on my own. I didn’t know anyone else who was running, I came home to an empty house.
I feel proud of myself.
If I can conquer mountains by myself I can do anything.
I’m sharing this post from thought catalog because it’s fabulous, and so I can re-read it whenever I start to doubt myself.
Today’s therapy session was hard. I cried a lot. We covered a lot of ground.
I talked about when I was bullied at the age of 15 and I realised that I have never got over it. One of my best friends stopped talking to me for several weeks, and made everyone else stop talking to me too. For weeks no-one spoke to me at school. Then one day they all just started talking to me again and I never found out what it had all been about. To this day I have no idea.
I think that’s why I am so afraid of being alone and lonely and I’ve surrounded myself with people. I’ve realised I’m actually scared of myself. It’s time I showed compassion to my 15 year old self. It’s time to forgive myself.
To my 15 year old self: –
It was not your fault
You were bullied
You can never blame yourself for what happened
You are beautiful and strong
My emotions are all over the place at the moment.
My youngest daughter decided to do alternate weeks with me and her dad. Which is fine. I wanted her to make her own decision about what to do. But this week she’s off school and I’m off work today, so I’m frustrated by how she’s compartmentalizing me. Why couldn’t we have spent the day together? I know I’m being selfish even thinking this. I’m the adult. I have to get over my aching loneliness myself. I can’t rely on my child to save me from my despair. But, as much as I know this, it’s still very hard.
Today I changed back to my maiden name – my name – on all my social media accounts and email accounts. Something I’d been putting off. But it’s done. I feel relieved.
I’ve just been up to the shop and stopped to get some grass for my guinea pigs – I got my little piggies because I needed something to mother. There was such a gaping hole in my life.
On the way back I came in through the side gate into the back garden and noticed the smell from a climbing rose by the gate that I’d never even noticed was there before. Its flowers smell absolutely divine and it lifted my spirits.
Off to see my therapist now. Let’s see what he makes of my ramblings.
I’ve been getting feelings of emptiness and loneliness for the past few weeks now, so rather than feeling sorry for myself I’ve done something about it. I reached out to a friend who separated from her husband a few years ago and we went out for supper.
I told her about an idea I’d had to set up a local social group for single people and she thought it was a great idea.
So, I’ve started by messaging all the
Facebook friends that I know who are single to invite them to join. I’ve had 2 replies. So our new group has been born – just 4 of us so far. It’s a start.
I wasn’t going to watch the Royal Wedding because any reference to weddings or happy marriages is so painful for me right now.
But I am watching it. I burst out crying as Meghan Markle walked down the aisle. All I can think is good luck to them. Those tears were actually quite cathartic for me.
My wedding day was a happy day, but I got married on antidepressants so maybe that’s why.
I wonder how Harry’s dad feels today. His first marriage didn’t quite work out now did it.
I don’t think I will ever get married again.
I went back to work today. It was an important milestone for me. I feel so much better. The last 2 weeks have been very hard – probably the hardest 2 weeks since I left my husband 4 months ago.
But I can see a positive future now. I am going to get through this. I AM getting through this. I have been doing a lot of meditation which has really helped.
I will survive, and thrive.
It made me smile today when I noticed my ironing board in the garage. I bought it, brand new, 2 months ago, and it’s still in the plastic wrapping that it came in.
Before I met my husband I rarely ironed anything, and then within a few months of being together I had somehow been hoodwinked into a thankless routine of ironing a pile of clothes every 2-3 days. He soon realised I was pretty crap at ironing trousers so he continued to do those himself, but I became tricked into taking on the traditional female role of ironing his shirts, at least 6 of the damn things every week.
I have taken a photo of my lovely ironing board, still in its wrapper. It is a symbol of my freedom.
I think maybe my husband and I just need to meet up and sit and stare at each other. And say nothing.
I have woken with a feeling of inner peace that is totally new to me.
I have realised that I need to let go of all the pain I’ve been feeling for so many years and forgive all those that I have blamed for my pain.
The sun is shining. I am emerging from my chrysalis.
this is me again 