Exhausted

I’m still battling on with my depression. I’m on my own this week and it’s so hard to keep fighting it completely on my own. But fight it I will.

I managed to go to a Pilates class this afternoon so I’m pleased with myself for that.

I’m feeling particularly down because I had a welfare visit from work last Friday and found out that I’ll only get full pay until mid-November, then half pay for 4 months, then nothing from March. In the meantime my dear soon to be ex husband is refusing to sell the family home to release the equity which would allow me to pay off my mortgage. I’ve seen him twice over the weekend. Seeing him in person has reinforced the fact that I made the right decision when I left him, so from that point of view it was useful. It’s reinforced the fact that he is a total arsehole. I’m just hoping that I don’t lose my house and end up having to live back with him.

He promised me yesterday that he would never let me lose my house. In that case why won’t he sell the big house? He says he can’t face selling the house and that it will be too stressful. It’s bloody stressful being off work with depression and thinking you’re going to lose your house matey!

I don’t know when this nightmare will ever end.

I have to remember that it’s ok to feel sad. It’s ok to feel lonely. These are normal feelings. I have to show compassion to myself. I am in a very stressful situation and I am still functioning – I should be proud of myself for that.

I’ve got to keep going. One thing I will always be is a mum to my girls. He can’t take that away from me.

A letter to my 15 year old self

Today’s therapy session was hard. I cried a lot. We covered a lot of ground.

I talked about when I was bullied at the age of 15 and I realised that I have never got over it. One of my best friends stopped talking to me for several weeks, and made everyone else stop talking to me too. For weeks no-one spoke to me at school. Then one day they all just started talking to me again and I never found out what it had all been about. To this day I have no idea.

I think that’s why I am so afraid of being alone and lonely and I’ve surrounded myself with people. I’ve realised I’m actually scared of myself. It’s time I showed compassion to my 15 year old self. It’s time to forgive myself.

To my 15 year old self: –

It was not your fault

You were bullied

You can never blame yourself for what happened

You are beautiful and strong