Life goes on

Another Christmas, another New Year out of the way.

I took my girls away for a weekend at the beginning of December. That was our Christmas. It was a fabulous weekend and it snowed which made it magical.

Christmas Day was strange. My man was ill with a horrible virus so I didn’t see much of him all day. And he was soo grumpy when he did appear. So me and the dog partied by ourselves in the kitchen. My girls were at their dad’s. That’s become the routine for Christmas now. He’s on his own so they don’t want him to be by himself.

I cried a lot at the end of Christmas Day. Christmas makes me very emotional these days. It’s the memories of Christmasses past and the fact that I don’t see my girls.

I am very happy in my relationship with my partner now. We both have a lot of demons from our past but we talk very openly about everything. We’re living together permanently now. He’s very messy and he’s filled my house with all of his crap but it doesn’t bother me. Things and stuff don’t matter, it’s the people in your life that matter.

Right now I feel very content and hopeful for 2024. Even with all the shit going on in the world.

Pre-Christmas blues

I’ve been on my own today, alone with my thoughts. I’ve been baking Christmas cakes, mince pies and Christmas puddings. Inevitably this has reminded me of Christmases past. There were some happy times at Christmas over the years, but mostly this time of the year just caused stress and more arguments than usual.

I have to remind myself of last Christmas which was the worst of all. I spent most of the day in tears.

This year I’m going to my oldest daughter’s house for Christmas Eve until Boxing Day. I’m looking forward to it, but mostly I’ll just be really relieved when it’s all over.

It’s that time of year

I’ve been struggling today with feelings of loneliness. Obviously now that we’re in December there are reminders everywhere of Christmas – music playing in the shops, lights on houses, trees in windows. In fact I’ve just walked the dog and not only were there trees in the window of one of the bungalows around the corner, there were scary-looking Santas as well. There’ll be none of that tat in my house. I’ve bought myself a tiny tree in a pot and a star and some reindeer that I’ve painted. I can’t pretend that Christmas isn’t happening. I have to accept that it is even though it’s so painful. I’m going to have my own version of Christmas.

The one thing I must keep reminding myself is just how shit last Christmas was. I cried so much. I was constantly crying.

I know that all the Christmas adverts and songs on the radio paint a version of Christmas that doesn’t exist for an awful lot of people. An awful lot of people are miserable at Christmas and January is the month when there’s a spike in marriage break-ups.

I’ve joined 2 dating sites but I don’t think I’m ready to actually date anyone yet. I’m just window shopping. I mostly swipe left but I have had strange online conversations with a couple of guys. And I’ve been ghosted 👻 twice. I’m not ready for rejection in real life just yet. Also, I don’t want to start looking for a man just to be another half to make me whole. I have to accept myself as whole on my own first.

I’ve felt a bit sorry for myself generally today. I’m anxious about work. But one thing is for certain – I have to get back into work. The alternative is unthinkable i.e all day every day with nothing to do. While I was off work it became incredibly difficult to fill my days. I couldn’t imagine retiring.