All alone

I’m having a bad time with my feelings of loneliness this week. I’ve had a busy weekend. I went for an 11.5 mile run yesterday with friends. Then in the evening I went out for a meal with new friends that I’ve met through the meetup app. Today I’ve been on a 9 mile walk with a walking group I’ve joined through meetup.

But even when I’m surrounded by lovely interesting people I still feel lonely. I have a constant ache in my chest and abdomen. I guess it’s a feeling of grief/loss. I so much want to feel happy on my own. One thing which has struck me is the feeling that I need to share my life with others – that’s what I really miss. There is no-one here to tell things to – someone to talk to about what I’ve done with my day. It’s almost like I feel that I don’t even exist if I can’t tell someone else what I’ve been doing. It is so weird – I don’t want to feel like this but I just can’t shake it off.

People keep telling me that time does heal and it will get easier.

I hope so.

It’s been a while

I haven’t written anything for weeks. The reason is that I’m much better but again I haven’t wanted to jinx it by actually saying it out loud.

I’m back at work and have been for 3 weeks. I know I’m getting my confidence back gradually, but I’m still full of self doubt. I know it’s ridiculous and there’s no good reason to doubt myself. The work I’ve done has been to my normal high standard, but I’m thinking about it all too much. I became overwhelmed by anxiety this afternoon but I held it together so no-one noticed.

I’m finding it weird to even get up and go to work. I haven’t done it for so long.

I’m feeling lonely. It doesn’t help that all the girls at work talk constantly about their partners/husbands and what they’ll be doing at the weekend. I know in my logical head that I would have had those same conversations 10 years ago, before it all went horribly wrong.

Ifeel like I have no-one to talk to – my rational self knows that is not true. A lot of people who care about me are only a phone call away.

I have to keep fighting the self doubt and low moods. I can’t let my ex win. If I fall to pieces again he will have won. I cannot let that happen.

I have to start living my life and enjoying it for myself. I have to stop feeling that my life is over. It isn’t over and the only one judging and doubting me is me.

One day I will come out the other side.

One day I will wake up and realise that I am enough.

On the mend

I last wrote a few weeks ago. I’ve been scared to write since then because I’m feeling much better but I didn’t want to jinx it!

I’m keeping myself very busy, making sure my calendar is full every day. I’m hoping to go back to work soon.

I can’t believe I’ve turned this thing around. When you hit rock bottom it’s hard to see the way out.

My soon to be ex-husband continues to be very difficult. He’s still refusing to sell the marital home. I’ve completed my part of the financial settlement, although I’ve still not got my CETV. I’m not letting it get to me anymore. It will all happen in time and thinking about it constantly won’t make it happen any quicker.

I’ve joined 2 dating apps – at the moment I’m just window shopping. I swipe left a lot.

Life is good. I can see a future again.

I feel stuck

It’s ages since I’ve written anything. I really should write more often because it does help me to get my thoughts out of my head. I’m still depressed. I feel stuck in a rut that I am unable to break free from. I’ve just read a book on co-dependency and I’ve learned that I have pathological loneliness which is connected to me being a codependent – it’s probably the reason I became a codependent in the first place. I have an intense fear of being by myself. This is something I am going to have to tackle if am ever going to break free from my depression.

My husband is still refusing to sell the marital home – if he’s not careful he’s going to have to put up with me moving back in with him when I can’t afford to live by myself any longer. That would be a disaster for both of us. We are a nightmare together – within weeks we’d be back to our cycle of arguments, or even worse. Over the past few years we’d lost respect for each other more and more to the point where we had forgotten how to communicate in anything other than a completely dysfunctional way.

I need some kind of therapy to help me out of this. I’m waiting for CBT, but I think I probably need psychotherapy to delve into how I’ve ended up like this. I’m no longer seeing the therapist I had been paying to see – his appointments required a 50 mile round trip in the car and right now I can never predict whether I’ll be able to drive or not from day to day because my concentration fluctuates. I can’t plan anything in advance. I tried driving on the motorway 2 days ago and I couldn’t concentrate at all – it didn’t feel safe. Only a few days before I’d driven with no problem at all.

If I can’t drive I can’t get back to work.

I can’t tell if I’m getting better or not. I keep having a glimmer of normality and then I crash again. I’ve been nearly admitted twice over the past 2 months – the last time was 5 weeks ago. I think I’m better than I was then, but when you’re living with it day to day it’s hard to tell if you’re making progress.

Last week I attended an intensive course of CBT and DBT. I’m trying to practice mindfulness regularly and also radical acceptance – I have mantras that I say to myself over and over

“I accept my life as it is right now”

“I accept the things I cannot change”

I’m staying with my oldest daughter this week, and my grandchildren. I’m loving spending time with them, but I can’t help thinking that I’m running away from my problems rather than tackling them.

I’m going to go for a mindful walk now

– it’s a beautiful sunny day.